Somewhere around a year ago, a very good friend made a comment leading to a huge personal revelation. At first, I was insulted at the implications but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was undeniably true:
I have a pathological need to be needed.
I am attracted to distraught people. In some ways, I blame it on my own period of extreme brokenness. I felt so lost and alone and I never want anybody to feel that way.
I would rather be the person they can count on, to sacrifice for them to
keep them from ever doubting
the existence of love.
If we look at my past relationships, they mostly focus on me providing a need for the other person. Anything from encouraging self-confidence to giving them a place to live to paying for their school. Fortunately, almost all of these people respected me enough that they didn't "use and abuse me." They were always grateful.
I felt significant.
I felt important.
I felt fulfilled.
Fast forward to a very recent addition to this revelation.
In addition to wanting to provide for others what I felt I was denied, I think my maternal instinct in a way factors into the equation. The whole being a provider thing. Also, that is a huge way I show my love and affection for others.
Even greater than this... I realized this morning as I was putting my contacts in to start my day:
I have a pathological need to be needed
because
I'm afraid I'll never just be wanted.
I've been told many times, "stop finding someone who needs you and find somebody who wants you."
And, of course, I absolutely theoretically and philosophically agree.
So why don't I do that?
Because I've never been kept around just because someone wants me.
Friends, yes, they some have.
But in romance?
Not really.
At least, it has never felt that way.
I want to be with somebody who does not need me, but appreciates what I offer.
I want to be with somebody who loves me and wants to be with me.
Just because they think I'm awesome.
I just have a deep-rooted fear that me--just me-- will ever be enough.
I have no deep revelation for how to get over this because, well... I just don't know how to change it. I like being needed. I'd love to be wanted for more than that. Just something to work on, I suppose.
