Life As I Know It

Is it sad that I'm only 18 going through the "best years of my life" and I'm already burned out? I think so.

This is going to be a short, over-simplified post, which, if induced, concern for my physical well-being should be dismissed. As for my sanity... the concern is more justified, though should also be minimal.


Distant past:
"Thank you, God, for rescuing me and getting me out of that mess.."
Not sure what else to say here. I screwed up a lot and made a mess of my life, but I came out the other end a new, better, happier person.

Less distant past:
"I never appreciated it until it became past, and now I miss it every day."
I miss my friends. I miss my parents. I miss my sister and the kids. I miss simplicity, which is not a word I would ever have used to describe it before I learned it could get more complicated.

Present:
"Today exhausts me, and when I think about tomorrow... I don't really care."
I don't know where to go, or even where I am. Sometimes I wish there were bright Warning signs posted so I knew where not to venture, because I've gone too far. Not only did I get myself hurt again, but I'm in a place to hurt someone else. I'm tired. I semi-look forward to things but nothing would super-suck if it didn't happen. I enjoy some things, but not a ton. I don't really look forward to waking up in the mornings. I'm just burned out.
Life being mundane and routine isn't terribly appealing, but spontaneity is getting excessive and exhausting as well. BOO!


Future: 
"They say tomorrow is a mystery, but... can I have a map? Please?"
I thought I knew what I wanted, but I clearly don't. I have no idea! Do I want to stay here or go home for the summer? Do I want to live off campus? What are the pros/cons? Is it possible? Do I want to do psychology? What part of psychology? Counseling? Research? What are my other options? What's my calling? Am I ever going to be in a successful relationship? Will I get married and have kids? Do I want to stay home and be with my kids? Would they turn out alright? Would I be a good mom? Or wife? Do I want a family at all? Would I rather live on my own? Maybe I could give up everything and go live in Africa. Could I do it? Should I do it? Is it really possible to make a difference by just living the good life in America?

It's hard to have all these questions and more, but the worst part... is not really caring. I'm so tired of today and not being able to see where I'm going tomorrow that I don't even set goals or care to. I don't know.

---
I'm just tired.
I know my attitude needs to change into one of excitement for God's great plans He promises to have in store for me... I guess I'd just like some signs that I'm in the right direction in at least one aspect of my life. Need hope. Personal hope, not the generic "God's gonna do it, no worries." I know it's there, but a direction would be nice.



I took on the task of living on my own... and I'm screwing it up. I desperately need to give it up.

New Found Potential

It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I should be asleep. I'm not. Why?

Becky.

We just had a very intense, in-depth, crazy heart-to-heart for three hours. Absolutely insane stuff. I'm so astonished at the magnitude of this conversation that I -- well, I'd say I have no words, but then I wouldn't be writing this. But I'm forcing them from my mind through my fingertips before I forget them.

We recently got into a fight. An unnecessarily big one. You need not know the cause-- it is the effect which is impacting. I hurt her. Granted, she was in the wrong as well, but not nearly to the magnitude as was I. I betrayed her trust which she'd so diligently handed me. We sat down and talked about the situation, how we felt and why. We laid out our boundaries, we apologized for previous crossings, and established new habits. Very productive discussion, which was awesome. She stayed calm, despite her anger and hurt, and understood from where I was coming. I can't figure out a transition into the explanation of intensity, so here it is...

Becky amazes me.

Previously, as much as I truly hate to admit this, I harshly judged her. She acts as if she knows me perfectly and she can read everybody without fail. She acts like she thinks she's perfect. I thought. Granted, it's true in some respects, but the problem is then I thought she was just being arrogant and it amused as well as annoyed me. However, now.... now I realized she's correct so much more than I thought. She was wrong a few times -- probably because she just didn't know me as well then since our friendship was so new -- so I stopped really indulging in her opinions and thoughts. Yes, she speaks in circles and is extraordinarily confident... But goodness, she has more right to be than I ever expected. 

She said a few things tonight which made me really think.

She connected dots; I never knew the dots were even in the same book. 

There is one example extremely prominent in my mind: I beg people to come in, search intently for someone who will stick around and make a bond with me... but when there is actually a chance, I push them away.

what?

No. She's right. She's so right! I had never realized that, but as soon as she said it, I saw stars align. I was so busy looking for that perfect friendship and for someone to care about me, but as soon as they want in, they push for me... I close up. I push them away. I ignore it. 

Here I am, desperate for affection from new "Christian" friends at Access/church, wanting to make new bonds, have people want to hang out with me, want me around... While Becky is sitting at home, wanting  me (when I am around) to stay home for the night and just hang out with her. 

What the hell?

 That doesn't make sense.

You're a jerk.

Yep.

Now, the question may seem to be "well, why do you do it?" Nah. I know that answer as well. It's complicated, just like everything else about me and situations I am in -- it's the reason I'm so often rejected. I make things more difficult than they have to be. 

So, why do I do this?

I'm freakin' scared out of my mind!

I am living in so much fear I'm missing everything about life and hope and faith and love-- everything.

 For relationships, I put everything I had into Peter. I was in love and we were going to get married. We dated for years and I never saw the end coming. It had its quirks and we had sin in our relationship, it was messy, but so is everything else. I kept it simple. I loved him, he loved me. We were happy. Then we broke up and my future didn't mean anything anymore. (somehow this explanation is oversimplified and exaggerated at the same time. go figure.) He left me. 

Resulting mindset: relationships are doomed.

Christina's friendship meant the world to me. Never experienced anything like it. A bond so insanely deep and strong, when she moved a part of me died inside. She was there for 5-6 years, then as soon as she moved away I was alone. No more weekends of joy and strength and love. It was me. We never really even kept in touch. And this resulting mindset is a whole lot more complicated. I never have bonds with girls again. I just don't. Doesn't happen. Girls can have that perfect bond, but it's not enough. Every connection I ever tried to make with a girl since has utterly failed. I've been betrayed and hurt and... it just doesn't work.

Resulting mindset: girls are unreliable.

For the record: I want to let people in. I want to have those closeness and such again, I'm just so terrified of being hurt when it ends-- which sadly, yes, I think of things in term of when rather than if.

Where does this leave me?

Very lonely.

Why?

Good question. The answer leads me to the next astonishing point Becky made. 

When she told me how much I'd hurt her she also added that she won't rely on me or trust me as much anymore. Yuck. My stomach sank. Suddenly, all the trust I'd begun to build in her that she wouldn't leave me like everybody else began to deteriorate in stomach acid. So I decided to be honest. At this point, I knew I was going to push her away. The attempts at a true, good female bond we were working on... it wasn't going anywhere anymore. Our friendship is doomed. 

Yea, I'm aware how stupid this sounds, but hear me out.

But it will still sound crazy. It's me.

Get used to it.

This is my train of thought, generally: If she's not going to forgive me and she's going to hold this hurt against me to the point that she's pulling away so much, it's all on me. I'm incapable of forming that bond because of my cynicism toward other women. If she's not making the effort... what is there? I could try to keep the effort going, but why? She's moving across town in a month. Are we going to hang out a bunch? Will we really still be best friends when we aren't living together, in such close proximity all the time? Are we actually going to go out of our way to have heart-to-hearts and bonding moments? Nope. Of course not. Friendships don't work that way, not with girls. Girls don't stick around. She won't be there in 5 years, so why bother?

Her response?

I could never do it justice. It was so much more profound than I could ever hope to reiterate-- perhaps it was her words or simply because of the desperate timing I needed to hear it.

Life is about learning. It's about loving. You're going to miss the lessons and the adventures if you sit there wondering why all the time. Why are you trying to make friends with people at church? (insert my reply: it's something to do.) Live your life. Learn about these things. Learn who you are and who other people are, how to move on from your past. 

Sigh. 

Yep. 

Moral: Take a chance and let people in.

You know, I was beginning to think that line "treat others how you want to be treated" was complete bull. I am willing to go way out of my way for people and surprise them. I want to do sweet, unexpected things like randomly show up with lunch for them. Or text them "good morning, have a great day" texts and such. I offer to keep them company and help 'em out when they're sick. I want to surprise them with kindness and attention. People don't do any of that crap for me, nor are they really willing. And, while this is not why I do it, I hope for the same in return. I'd love stuff like that! I would like for people to see what I offer, and offer it in return. Support. Kindness. Love.

Well, the problem is I'm basically asking it of people who frankly don't know me. They don't see who I am. They don't get it. They don't love me strongly enough. And, well, I guess that's ok.

I think of this line, in fact: "looking for love in all the wrong places."

Because Becky offers that to me. All the time. Yet the people I spend most of my time with do not. 

In the midst of this I also realized, on my own, I so badly want that affection from the people I choose that I'm blinded to the people who actually love me. Sad face.

Basically, Becky absolutely amazed me tonight. She gave me valid and valuable advice. She knows me way better than I thought or expected. She is wise. I can trust her. I will put forth the effort for her. She's more than worth it. Who knows? Maybe I'll learn how to love and be best friends with a girl again.

So now it is after 4 o'clock in the morning. I have lost another hour of sleep and gained another long, disorganized tantrum to post on the internet for everybody to read about how crazy emotional and ridiculous I am. Oh well. 

I'm me.

And, well... that's alright. (=

Beauty

“Beauty”

Given the right context, this word can lead a person above the clouds. Given the wrong circumstances, it can break a heart. Truly, it’s such an indescribably powerful word, or concept really.

Today I heard a friend telling my roommate what I assume was an insecurity about another woman having a crush on her boyfriend. How did my roommate respond? “It’s ok, you’re prettier.” And her friend? “Oh, I know. I’m not worried about her.”  

Why is that a comfort, to be told you’re more beautiful than competition, thus you will win the heart of a man? Shouldn’t you want to date someone because they love you for who you are, not your appearance? Beauty is so much deeper! Isn’t it?  

However, if that’s what she needed to hear at that moment, so be it.

I’m not bashing the idea of being told you’re beautiful. Not by any means. No, sir. I believe very strongly women need to feel beautiful. It’s part of our soul’s deep desire, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that. * The entire book of the Bible Song of Songs is a man romancing a woman (Christ and the church specifically, but let’s leave it generic for arguments sake) by repeatedly expressing her captivating beauty . God romances us with beauty, including even the beauty of the world brought to life with the rising of the sun. Every day. Being told you’re beautiful is an incredibly powerful thing.

In fact, the idea for this entry was brought on as I was getting ready for bed. I had taken my contacts out, my hair was tossed in a bun, and I was brushing my teeth in front of the mirror. I was a mess. I was looking at my body and my curves, then at the shape of my face (all of which was very, very basic seeing as I’m completely blind without something aiding my vision). But guess what?  

I felt beautiful.

 Despite the mess I was, I was beautiful. I then remembered a male friend making fun of my female friend today. He said her shape was ugly and deformed. She just was odd and he felt sorry for her, more or less. I wondered… did he think that about me? He once told me I was pretty, but did he really mean it? So I asked him, “you don’t think my shape is weird, do you?” He replied, “nah. You’re ok.” Not terribly convincing, and was not at all the response I was hoping for, though that hope was poorly placed as this person rarely cheers me up. 

Suddenly, I was feeling down and that’s when I realized the power of those three words: “You are beautiful.”

I never used to let others see me without make up or in my pajamas or anything. Never. It was a guard I never let down. But now… I often find myself most confident in those moments when I’m just me. I am who God created me. No additions. No boundaries. And guess what?

You can’t take that away from me.

 I love to be told I’m beautiful (not even just about my appearance, but that who I am is beautiful). And I need that occasionally. But not always.  My God thinks I’m beautiful exactly how I am, inside. I don’t need a friend to tell me “it’s okay. You’re prettier.” Nah. I’m beautiful. God says so. And this time… I’m going to believe Him over any other person.

  

So… this turned out to be a somewhat shallow posting. The idea is so much deeper in my head, but for some reason I can’t seem to get it out quite right. Guess this just turned into one of those inevitable ramblings. How unfortunate.

* I take this concept from John and Stasi Eldredge in their books Captivating and Wild at Heart. The idea basically is our souls have deep desires which are the true driving forces for our beings. A man’s is to be the leader of an adventure, to be strong and great for his beautiful woman. A woman’s is to know she’s beautiful and be a part of the great adventure. And notice how perfectly our souls’ desires fit together?

Hated by Love

[Yes, God is a loving Father, but he is also a wrathful Judge. In his wrath he hates sin. Habakkuk prayed to God, "Your eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong." And in some sense, God also hates sinners. You might ask, "What happened to 'God hates the sin and loves the sinner'?" Well, the Bible happened to it. One psalmist said to God, "the arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong." Fourteen times in the first fifty psalms we see similar descriptions of God's hatred toward sinners, his wrath toward liars, and so on.]

These few simple sentences sent my world spinning for days. 

I finally got back on board with God and finally felt His presence in my heart for the first time in a year, give or take. He spoke to me, showed me how deeply He loved me and how He longed for me to come closer. He reminded me how I never walked alone and through that whole year, He never left me. His spirit never parted ways with mine. Now, this man tells me that my God hates me because of who I am, that which I cannot control. I felt my heart break. I felt an ache in my heart so deep my stomach began to twist. Two thoughts came to mind: who are you to say that Love hates me? and  Oh, my God, you do hate me (because truly, the word does say it).

In short, I was in complete turmoil and confusion. On one hand, I thought this stupid man is trying to tell me the God of the universe, the Lord of my heart hates me. How dare he? My God loves me! But, on the other hand, I felt a kernel of truth was being spoken. There are innumerable passages of scripture stating how God hates those who do wrong. Look at the Flood. He wiped out nearly all of creation, thousands upon thousands of people washed away like they were nothing because all they did was sin. I can't believe in a God that hates me, where my only hope is to be hated less, but not truly loved. So. Where does this leave me? I wondered.

I looked to two friends for advice, someone to help make sense of this. One agreed with me it did not make sense, and she even appeared to take as much offense as I had. Though we also agreed this man must have meant something else by what he said. Truly, God does not hate us. If he did, why did Christ come for us? If God hated us, how did he "so love the world that he gave his one and only son" to die so that we may stand simply in His presence? Something is not right. My second dear friend argued similarly, though made several good points that eventually led to this making any bit of sense. All of that to say this...

God does hate me.

He hates you, as well.

For who you are.

For who I am.

How? 

Things began making sense after speaking with my friends, but God drew the point home moments ago while I was separating laundry, which I must confess is still sprawled across my floor as I left it with great excitement for a revelation brought on by my anger toward a particular individual who never ceases to hurt me with his being.  Allow me to share tonight's dialogue for a moment, and I hope you find it half as amusing as I do.

I questioned, "how can you be absolutely in love with someone when you spend time one-on-one, yet cannot stand to be in their presence when others arrive?" 

God replies, Bingo.

When I stand before God, my breath is taken away. I am in awe, so much that one could only ask of the Lord to dwell in His house forever and gaze upon His beauty (Psalm 27:4). It's that reverent fear we should all have as we stand in God's presence (Jeremiah 5:22). I could not sin! I would not  sin! I could never spit out a single of my sinful desires or even begin to think of them as I stood before God! And I mean this in many senses. One, that when I'm in prayer and standing before God in spirit, I'm simply speechless. But I also mean it as the day of judgment standing before God. To truly see him in a very pure, simple, majestic way. I'll focus primarily on the prior, though. As soon as that spiritual trip is done, I'm back here in the world, sinning my pants off. Spitting in God's face. 

One-on-one, simple and pure, God is completely in love with us. He desires us to be near and longs for us to stand before Him, to romance us. Every bit of life is God's romance for us! He wakes us each day, "arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me!" (Song of Songs 2:13) We can stand before Him, he says, we "have stolen [his] heart with one glance of [our] eyes (4:9)" and "how much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! (4:10)" he says to us! God is in love with us and desires us to love Him in return.

 He loves my soul.

However, I am still a sinner. When I am away from His love, I act in opposition. Just as my friend holds my heart when we stand together -- just us-- yet angers and hurts me to no end when others come around, so God's heart is broken when I come back to the world and become who I am with distractions, wanting to impress, wanting to be in control, wanting, wanting, wanting everything else but Him! But, alas, it is my nature. The unfortunate and humble truth. I become what He hates. . 

He hates my nature.

So I have found peace in this understanding. I cannot change my nature, but I love Jesus and I worship the Lord despite my sin-soaked existence. After all, He loved me so much as to die so that I may stand before Him because He's already released His wrath over me. I don't have to suffer, I'll never have to suffer the just wrath of this great God who hates that which I cannot change about myself. No. He sent His son to suffer that for me. Now, I may come before Him to experience true Love any moment I so choose, which is so tragically rare.

But, this is why I need Jesus.

This is why I love Him.

Worlds Apart

"To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache.
Can I be the one to sacrifice, or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow?
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost and wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain.

What I need and what I believe are worlds apart.”

Wow.

This is my confession, but I find it true for general humanity and thus will write it as so.

We fall on our knees with a heart torn and broken from situations brought on by our own sinful desires.

God, I'm hurting so much, please save me. Please comfort me. I need you!

(Yes. That's my pathetic plea to God when I get lost and find myself with a "sin-soaked heart.")

In those moments, of course we need God. We need His love. His forgiveness. His grace. We have essentially hurt ourselves and in doing so, hurt the heart of God. We're His children and when we hurt, He hurts with us. 

We look to the cross when we find ourselves broken, but when by God's grace we find ourselves whole again...

… then where do we go?

...YouTube?

...Facebook?

...shopping? 

...a friend's house?

We forget what our lives have cost. We forget that God bought us. Every piece. Our hearts, our minds, our souls. Our past, our present, our futures. They all belong to Him. Why do we take them back? Why do we give them to internet sites, to the media, to a store, to another person? We run away from God in those moments after being healed and we forget that the nails are still in his hands. We "wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain." We forget the gravity of what God just did for us! 

"I'm ok now. I can do this alone again, thanks God!" 

Then go on to act in disobedience, in sin that leads us inevitably back to Him with our hearts broken once again! How much better would it be if we let God break our hearts and make it pure rather than put our trust in mortal men who cannot save (Psalm 146:3)? 

I’d like to be the one to sacrifice my desires for things of this world. Truly. But instead I far too often find myself gripping the spear. Alas, Paul spoke the truth: what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Romans 7:15).