Honesty

I have done a lot of thinking today because I'm feeling very distraught from the epitome of cognitive dissonance, if you will. I don't like talking about specific situations on a published blog. I prefer it be simple and thought-provoking unless the story really adds to the meaning. In this case, the situation leading me to think so deeply is less important than the thoughts to which it has led.

I think something people tend to believe/feel --be it due to society or television or friends or advise-givers, I don't know where it originates-- that when somebody calls you out on something, the only chance you have of surviving is to lie. Like, "if I confess that his/her concern is legitimate, it will be over instantly. At least if I lie, I have a chance of getting through it."

It really is an interesting idea
to choose to become something you are not
to express feelings you do not have
to state events that have not occurred
all in order to "keep peace."
To me, it is a perfect display of cowardice.

If anybody has followed my writings for any period of time, I am convinced he or she would notice my lack of mainstream conceptualizations.

I see things much different;
or perhaps I am one of few who will express thoughts honestly.

Regardless, I am about to do it again. 

As usual, this is MY VIEW.
My view from the depth of my heart in the most honest words I could possibly express in this exact moment (i.e., one day it might change when I gain more understanding and wisdom).

Lying is the most repulsive, pointless, and excruciatingly disturbing thing a person can do to somebody they care about.

Period.

When somebody points out a concern or a realization or asks a question,
the instant thought should not be
        "lying is my only chance"
but rather
        "being honest is my only chance."

There have been multiple people in my past that I have been very close to, strong emotional bond, immense trust... and when something came up, when I voiced a concern, they either played dumb or straight up lied.

I give people the benefit of the doubt and give everybody a chance.
I always will -- and perhaps that's my flaw.

The problem is nobody seems to think the way I do and it always puts me in bad situations.
Honesty is so important.

I would go so far as to forgive somebody for cheating on me if only they were honest.
"Honey, I have been interested in talking to this other person and said some things I shouldn't have said to both of you at the same time. But I want to be with you, it's over with her, please forgive me."

Sure, it will be a challenge, but I would forgive it.
We would move on.

But if I was to find out about it through other means, to find out somebody had a lapse of reason and kissed another girl, or told her he was considering her as more than friends and confront him about it--
lying to me will hands-down, without a doubt be the exact moment our relationship ends. 

We won't be together.
We won't be friends.
We won't recover from hostility and resentment.

And, to add an even more personal element to this confession, every time these situations come up is when I've decided to take a chance in overcoming bitterness/fear/cynicism. It is one of the most depressing things I have ever experienced: to take a chance in trusting someone who seems sure of what they want but turns out having no idea until it is too late.
Sure, I can respect the fear that might lead to lying sounding like a good idea...
but just don't.
Don't.
Do not.
It will kill everything in the end.



"I can always find someone to say they sympathize
if I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.
Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard,
and mostly what I need from you."
Honesty -- Billy Joel

Meaning of Spirituality

I lost my grandma a few months ago in a very, very painful way (and I’m sure I’ll be posting about that soon since her birthday is coming up). A few days ago, a friend I don’t speak with frequently at all posted on Facebook that his grandmother was passing away and he was broken-hearted. We spoke for a little while about how to get through the pain losing somebody we loved so dearly.

 

Something I told him had me thinking a lot. It was more like a revelation as it came out of my fingertips as I typed to him. I believe that there is something bigger, that our spirits are connected. Sometimes our spirits reach out for something and we don’t even know it. We are flawed and our brains can’t always tell us what we want—but our spirit knows what we need. Our spirit is who we are, and it isn’t afraid to reach out to get what it needs. We are responding to something we didn’t know was even there but it ends up being perfect. 

This got me thinking about the comfort I received from people I have known, the way their spirit touched mine in such an extraordinary way. Three people really came to mind when I thought about it, and it can’t be overlooked that I knew them all from the same ministry. In addition to making me love and respect these people more, this revelation has been about how much hope Campus to City Wesley has given to people like me.

 

The first person that came to mind was a display of love.

Derrick Scott. There was always something incredibly endearing and comforting about his presence. He always had a joy in his eye when he saw people and spoke with them. Even though he always had something on his mind, I always felt important when I saw him because you could always see the respect, joy, and love in his eyes. I can remember a number of times, both at individual coffee meetings and at community nights, where the minute he saw me he smiled and his eyes lit up. No, it wasn’t romantic and I never thought that, but it was just beautiful and comforting to see the way he cared that I was there and hoped I was well. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever met anybody else whose genuine eyes impacted me so much.

The next person who came to mind was a display of acceptance and a lack of judgementalness.

Katherine Card. She was a comfort to be around because she didn’t judge, she just comforted and loved. She always had some kind of joy and peace in her eyes, too. She was sometimes distracted with school and struggled with believing in herself. But she was always sweet and loving. The way she held herself, her laughter, her eyes. She was somebody I thought about what she would think about my decisions, and I wondered if I should tell her, not because she judged me but because I kinda didn’t want to let her down. She was genuine and humble in a way that was remarkable, and it didn’t make me feel judged.

Finally, somebody came to mind that seemed to really display joy and peace.

Christina Gonzalez. She went through a lot in her past and in her heart, but she always displayed joy and peace. She was somebody who walked in a room and her laughter lifted my spirits. She was optimistic and sweet. She was very understanding and listened very intently, responded to what you said. But she brought a comfort of happiness. I can remember telling her about a heartbreak, and yet somehow the brokenness went away and I felt joy just being around her. Something about her presence just calmed my spirit and what had me feeling so broken felt so light.

 

It is a miracle to me how my spirit finds what it needs. We are all flawed, myself and these people too. But when you value your spirit and feed it the right positive nourishment, it’s amazing the impact you can make on others.

 

Derrick, Katherine, and Christina are all people who will be the first to admit their faults and fears, but their spirit is genuine and loving. I miss them and I miss the way my soul was comforted when I was with them. I never realized how important this was. I want to bring peace to others’ souls, to be the comfort that others’ souls seek.

The presence of people who value that reminds you that there’s nothing better than allowing God to work through you in that way.

 

They’re encouragement. 

And I value them very much.