Believe

Sugarland- Just Might (Make Me Believe)

"If you can look in my eyes and tell me we'll be alright, if you promise never to leave you just might make me believe."

I used to live this song. I used to think about how much better I would feel if someone loved me so much that bills and school and stress didn't matter. As long as they could hug me and say it will all be alright and that they'd always be there with me, no matter what was happening, maybe I would actually believe life would be ok. I was there once. It didn't work out.

So now, when I listen to this song, I realize that the more someone promises to always be there for me, and the more people feel the need to tell me everything will be ok, the less I believe them. To be honest, it makes me very sad and I don't want to fall in love anymore.

It doesn't feel worth it. So I don't really know where this leaves me. Just a thought.

No Greater Love

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will -- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely give us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1: 4-8


He chose that I would be holy, that I would be his blameless and beautiful daughter. Not only did he choose me, but he did it with pleasure! He knew that would say and do the wrong things, that I would sin and mess up my life. And I have. In my relationships, in my friendships, in my daily walks around campus, in the glances of strangers in an elevator-- I have not shown mercy or love or grace. I have defiled the temple God has created in me. I have cursed his name. I have broken the hearts of those he put in my life to guide. I have pursued temporary and unholy feelings. I have failed to see the beauty in every day he has created for me. There is so much good I have forgotten or chosen not to do, so many callings I have pretended not to hear, so many opportunities to save that I have lost.

And yet...

God chose me before the he created anything else to be like him. He decided that he loved me and desired me to be a display of his holiness. He orchestrated this unbelievable plan, giving up the One he loves to be persecuted and beaten, bruised, and killed so that I could be blameless; so that he could love me. He did it with pleasure; he freely extended a hand of extreme grace that I might be redeemed and everything I have messed up be forgotten! That all the times I knew the right thing to do and didn't do it, all the times I allowed my body to be misused, all the times I let my emotions get the best of me-- all the times I sinned, he can forget and say, "you are beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you" (Song of Songs 4:7).

 He lavished his riches upon us. Not just offered or held out a hand, but "bestowed profusely" as per the definition-- with no contempt or expectation, but with pure love and affection. He lavished us in his riches. His riches!The riches greater than heaven and earth! The riches of the King. The riches of God. He poured out these things profusely out of undying love for our souls.

Yes!

And to me, the most amazing part of this entire revelation is the last part of this last verse: with all wisdom and understanding.

He knew all along, since before the earth was formed, that I would fall short, leave him, walk away, spit in his face with my lifestyle. He always knew. With all wisdom and with all understanding of every shortcoming, he lavished me in every richness in the universe, in everything that is his.

He loves me that much.

It was never about being perfect, nor about never straying from his light. It's about returning every time. He knows and he understands that I can never be holy in my ways, he knows that I can never be perfect. But he still thinks I'm beautiful and wants me back so that he can continue to redeem the mistakes and see me as his blameless daughter because he loves me.

I have so much guilt over so many things, and I have struggled for so long about accepting forgiveness for messing up. It has really kept me from experiencing the grace. Truth be told, I still don't think I'm quite there. However, I'm beginning to see that God knew and understood from the beginning of time that I was going to mess up -- he knew just how many times and how often and everything -- but yet it was always his plan to see me as his forgiven, holy and flawless daughter.

How could I turn down a love so great?

Distance vs Devotion

I'm laying here in bed, completely enveloped in my thoughts. Such a variety-- it's overwhelming. My stomach is in knots and my head is swirling. I want to cry, and laugh. I am ecstatic, and terrified. I long to run, but also to lay here in total silence, motionless and speechless.Thoughts ranging from longings to regrets; history to future.

The final thought I landed on that left me unable to resist writing any longer is simple:

what is my relationship with God?

Ok, ok. Not simple in the least. In fact, the most complicated and frustrating and beautiful and confusing object of consideration possible.

To give a little background insight to my thoughts... I am well aware, and even preach of the intimacy required to truly know God. There's a conversation involved. Like all relationships, communication is important and is in fact something I value extremely deeply with those I consider friends. With God, this in the form of prayer.

For the sake of clarification, I'll be referring to prayers of request, not those of thanksgiving and such.

However, God is also omniscient. He knows our thoughts before we think them. He knows our hearts. He knows our needs.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?... For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6:26, 32-33

 So this makes me think... why do we have to petition to God that which we desire? He knows the desire of my heart, and if that is what He wills to be in my life, it will be in my life. I don't want to ask for that which isn't a part of His will. I don't want to plead for something He doesn't want. I just want to exist and trust Him to give me that which He finds fitting and that which will be best for me, because I trust that He will give me good things and when something is bad, it will still work to my good because I love Him.

In general, these are my thoughts. Why do I have to pray? Why ask? What's the point? He already has a plan set for the world and for my life. And for the lives of others! I mean, why pray for someone to be healed? If it's their time, it's their time. If they still have things to do here first, then they'll be here to do what God has planned for them to do. If I just follow His commands as much as I can, and trust that Christ bore the wrath I deserved for when I fail... what more do I have to ask of such a God? I accept what I'm given and move forward, trusting and loving this loving God.

I guess I just realize a potential problem with this theory... It makes for a distant god and leaves no room for a devoted relationship. I don't believe my god to be distant and deaf. In fact, scripture repeats over and over how prayer works. First thoughts that come to mind:

Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops. James 5:17-18 

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, Psalm 10:17

And the angel also said, "You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means 'God hears'), for the LORD has heard your cry of distress.  Genesis 16:11

So... those cries don't fall on deaf ears, by any means.

I just don't know where I stand. Based on scripture, prayer is important. I'm just not sure why. I'm very torn between having a god of distance and a god of devotion. I know He loves me-- with all my heart I know He does -- but I also truly believe He has things planned and knows what He's doing so I have no right to ask Him to do my will...


I'm not sure how they mesh.

God is Good... All the Time.

Okay, well this is just going to be a quick blurb because I have to finish getting ready for class, but I felt like writing about my experience.

I decided last night that I need to go grocery shopping after class today. I looked at my list as I added some stuff to it and estimated groceries would probably cost around $40. I sighed and decided it's okay because, God willing, I'll be working soon.

This morning, I felt a smile and perhaps a little wink from God.

I checked my email and there was a message from Bank of America. Oh boy. Then I looked and it was titled "Direct Deposit Credited to You Account."

What?

I wasn't expecting any money.

UNF randomly deposited $40 into my account last night.

:)
God is good.



 (Unnecessary part of the story, to me, is that I investigated why I received the money and it said "educational overpayment", which I assume means they paid out more than they needed to last semester and this is the rest of my refund.)

Challenge or Blessing?

I spoke in a previous entry about how every day has its quirks, but at the end of the day the good usually outweighs the bad.
Well, this past week has been one for the books. The quirks were actually a few little things while the bulk was just... unkind. And just when I thought it was getting a little better, life slapped me in the face.

Last year, Dad had his (second) open heart surgery. Didn't work for the better part of a year. He had to cash in his life insurance and Mom had to work summer school just to pay the bills. However, in the eyesight of a twisted system, we somehow miraculously had a substantially higher income and the school decided I am no longer in need of assistance and put me at the bottom of the list for grants and scholarships. They have cut my funding/financial aid next year by over $6,500, which I'll have to somehow come up with just to attend UNF next year. Mind you, this does not include the price of gas, food, parking permit, or any other random surprises life likes to throw my way.



Yep.


I will be working a lot this summer, or trying to, as well as looking for a job for next year while I write my honors thesis, conduct experiments, and continue to attempt being a straight-A student. T'will be fun.
And a challenge for sure.

Needless to say, this has brought me down the past few days. No, I don't doubt God will provide if my being here is His will. He's a faithful god. It has just left me feeling a little empty and with a serious lack of energy or care. Nothing seems to have much meaning, at least not enough to provoke any strong emotion, which may be a good thing for an overly emotional person. Regardless.

This morning I went to church, though. Not expecting much, but I did open my heart the best I knew how, praying for God to touch me and do something, anything at all. I just needed to feel Him today.

Once again, He is a faithful god.

Before I left, Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns came on Pandora:
The voice of Truth says, "do not be afraid" 
and the voice of Truth says, "this is for My Glory."
Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of  Truth


Then at church, we sang Our God is Greater by Chris Tomlin
Into the darkness You shine
out of the ashes we rise.
There's no one like You, none like You.
Our God is greater, Our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, Awesome in power...
And if our god is for us, than who could ever stop us?
And if our god is with us, than what could stand against?


Then we sang Believe by Hillsong:
You are my light, You are my strength
You are my rock, on You I stand...
In Christ forever I stand.
I will believe You are strong enough
In my weakness, God be lifted up.
And I will sing, lift Your praises high
Lord be magnified, You make all things new
I will believe.


If I didn't know His voice before, I'd know it now.
He is so much bigger than this. He turned water into wine? He created the heavens and the earth, and everything on it? He flooded the world and destroyed every living thing save Noah's group? He sent His son to be crucified and save our souls from eternal condemnation and allow us the opportunity to have a relationship with Him?

Psh. $6,500 is nothing. 


The best I can summarize what I consider the next part of God's conversation with me is... I've been praying for a while now. I want to be closer and I want to have a stronger relationship. My heart does long for His touch, I just can't make myself get to a place where I'm so open and dependent. And, well, this takes me to a place where I have no other option but to depend on Him and trust He is faithful. It also will give me the opportunity to see Him conduct a little miracle in my life. I'll be watching Him with my eyes fixed to see what is going on, where I need to go for this provision. I'll be paying more attention, perhaps catch more of His humor, know more than wisdom but the personality of the Lord. Hmm.

The next couple years will be a challenge, to be sure. But after today... I'm not exactly dreading it. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to draw closer and learn. To see the little miracles God will do for me.

I suppose in this challenge is my biggest blessing.

Genesis: Part 1

I've decided to begin a new endeavor. I realized a very strong, deep desire to know and understand the old testament stories. Therefore, I have set my goal to read and deeply study a few chapters each evening until I complete the old testament, and most likely continue into the new testament as well. Why not?

Tonight I began with Genesis chapters 1-3. Here are some thoughts:

In chapter one, I realized I basically am surprised every time I read creation. I always forget what God created on which days. Sadness. It's fascinating, though.

Chapter two involved a few more thoughts.

• "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Gen 2:18) Then God brought all the animals to Adam to be named, but God and Adam (seemingly) together concluded that "for Adam, no suitable helper was found" (Gen 2:20) so he created woman.... We as one sex/gender are not meant to be alone. We aren't enough. God knew from the beginning that there were to be differences between man and woman, and we cannot do it alone. Our personhood/gender roles were going to be different, both important, to support one another. Therefore, we cannot condemn the other gender/sex for their personality differences. Woman is compliment man; Man is to compliment woman. Yes, womens brains are physiologically designed to function differently. That wasn't an accident. We are naturally more emotional and our natural hormonal balance reflects that, as well as our brain development and functionality. This science clearly coincides with the way God created a woman to help a man. This also adds to the idea of heterosexual relationships. Man and woman play different roles. To keep this slightly less controversial, I would like to point out that even in homosexual relationships, each partner takes on the opposite gender role. There is a manly partner and a womanly partner-- gender differences despite sex similarities (this was a slightly less developed thought).
• Going off the same scripture (Gen 2:20), God brought all livestock to Adam to be named, THEN because they alone were not enough, God created a suitable companion. I know for my dad and many other people in the world including myself at times like to believe we would be much happier alone, out in the wilderness, without social complications and frustrations. We are annoyed with people and don't want to deal with them. I know for my father and I both, at least, we like to say/believe that without the distractions of social chaos and annoyances we would be much more able to focus on God and that relationship. We feel more in tuned. I think that is very, very true and that's because God designed us in the Garden, to be a part of nature and its beauty. However, that alone is not enough. That's why God created companionship. We need to spend our lives with someone else, in whatever form. Both are equally important-- being in tune with nature as well as with people. 
• Finally, I'd like to point out the language used by Adam to express the name of woman. At this point, when he first sees her, he adores her and recognizes that she is part of him. "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." He isn't resentful that she exists because a part of him was removed. He doesn't acknowledge her as a second entity entirely. He says she is part of his bones and flesh. He knows that connection and when I imagine these words spoken, I can't hear anything but a totally engulfing adoration and love for her. He acknowledges that they are one, which the chapter next points out that this adoration leads to man leaving his father and mother to be united as one with his wife. It's amazing how complicated we make things. God made it so simple. We love, we marry. Hmm. This is weird, but it makes me smile to imagine that intense love Adam must have had in his being when he first saw Eve.

Chapter 3 includes the original sin and the curses set upon us because of it. Unfortunately, I'll finish this post later when I can refocus. (Just in case anybody reads this before I get back to it)

How are you?

Generally speaking, before I post a new blog I always go through and read previous postings. So, to post my most recent thoughts I noticed will make me sound quite wishy-washy. But oh well.

When someone asks, "how are you?" or even, "how was your day?" How do you respond? "Good. You(rs)?" Probably. Why are people so quick to claim goodness as their state of being? Often times, they are quite not okay much less "good."
 Perhaps to follow etiquette. That's just the way the conversation works, why question it? most would probably say. Just follow the status quo. Be good! That's what the other person wants to hear.
 Or perhaps deep down, they know that the reason everybody says a simple, one-word, positive answer is because the inquirer doesn't really care for the response. They're simply being polite in asking. Why tell someone how you're really feeling when they don't care to hear more than a one-word reply anyway?
 Or maybe, subconsciously, they realize that, God forbid, life really is good.


The way I see people, including myself, is that we are perfect in our imperfections. Granted, in Corinthians Paul states "when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears". Yes, of course, but not quite what I'm talking about exactly.
 My theory about why I am able to love others is simply that it is in our imperfections, our quirks and mistakes, personality flaws, call it what you will, we are who we are. Perfect. Sounds contradicting, considering the definition of perfection is flawless, without defect. And yes we should always try to be better, but when we look at another person... we should see them not as disastrously flawed. How can you love such? No. We have to look at them with a more positive outlook and love them for every part of who their being-- strengths and weaknesses, charms and quirks. We must use positive illusions in our relationships.


Oops.
I almost forgot my original point.

Days are like people. They have their ups and downs, highs and lows; they have their quirks. But at the end of the day, we are alive, blessed, and loved. Yes. We are "good". For example: today. I did great at my poster presentation. I met some awesome new people.  I impressed my mentor/supervisor. I ate a delicious lunch. Timing on everything was perfect. Then it ended with a fantastic evening with a very dear friend, where we fixed some old mix-ups and cooked/ate dinner together. It was great. However, I was also quite ill all day. I sounded nasal-y every time I spoke. I coughed and sniffled all day, so I had a sore throat and a crap-ton of used tissues. My feet hurt from wearing heels. And I'm completely and utterly exhausted beyond words, yet still cannot sleep due to my sickness-- which the doctor insisted I only needed to take some Tylenol and it would go away, despite that I'm coughing up green gunk (a sign of infection).
Overall... they're minor negativities. I'm sick. Yuck. So what? It was just a quirk of the day. Sickness didn't ruin pleasantry. So... yes. My day was good.

Likewise, life is like days. Afterall, life is simply the sum of days. If each day, or nearly each day, we conclude our blessings outweigh our negative quirks, then doesn't that mean that "we" are good?

I think so.

Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why we automatically respond as we do. If not.. maybe it should be.



Conclusion: You don't have to break etiquette when asked, but when you say "i'm good" or "my day was good", consider two things. Was it really good? But more importantly, consider "why was it good?" Trust me. 90% of the time, the good did outweigh the bad.

Solution

I have been a mess for quite some time. I haven't been myself.
I've been pessimistic. I've been anxious. I've been depressed.
I've been weak.
I've been very not ok.

Why?

 I have tried to be somebody I am not, thus resulting in side-effects that, imagine that, aren't me either.

I am an introvert. I was born that way. It's just who I am. I can't make small talk well, nor do I particularly like it. Things must have meaning. A goal. There are set steps. And it's not that I couldn't do these things... If God needed me to, He'd give me the strength, endurance-- no doubts. I could make friends and deal with and love anybody he puts in my path (only with his grace, of course). However, I am who I am. I was born this way and he says he loves me just the way he made me. I'm beautiful and loved.
So why do I keep trying to be somebody else for you? Other people?

If I'm meant to have companionship in this moment, to have a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen, God will send a perfectly timed phone call or surprise run-in on campus. Those are always the best arrangements anyway. I don't need to change who I am or what I do or how I act or speak. I'm just going to be me and let that be enough. It's enough for God and it will be enough for anybody he provides me with in any moment.

I'm tired of trying. It doesn't get me anywhere.
The best friendships are spontaneous. They just happen. God tosses them in the mix to get us through. I want him to be in control of those things. I don't want to pretend to be a person he did not create me to be just to make friends with people he did not design me to be compatible.

Trying to do things on my own only results in very bad neurotic episodes, which unfortunately is the only side of "me" others have met the last few months. It's who I am to them now. I wish I had not stepped outside of trusting God's provision; I've only made things more difficult. But, God is God and controls all of that so it's ok. He knows what he's doing. I cannot screw things up beyond his ability to fix. I just have to stop coming up with my own solution.

I break things.
I fix them with duct tape.
Christ fixed them with nails.
It's a much more sufficient solution.

God will always provide.
I just have to be me.
And trust him.
Amen.

Life As I Know It

Is it sad that I'm only 18 going through the "best years of my life" and I'm already burned out? I think so.

This is going to be a short, over-simplified post, which, if induced, concern for my physical well-being should be dismissed. As for my sanity... the concern is more justified, though should also be minimal.


Distant past:
"Thank you, God, for rescuing me and getting me out of that mess.."
Not sure what else to say here. I screwed up a lot and made a mess of my life, but I came out the other end a new, better, happier person.

Less distant past:
"I never appreciated it until it became past, and now I miss it every day."
I miss my friends. I miss my parents. I miss my sister and the kids. I miss simplicity, which is not a word I would ever have used to describe it before I learned it could get more complicated.

Present:
"Today exhausts me, and when I think about tomorrow... I don't really care."
I don't know where to go, or even where I am. Sometimes I wish there were bright Warning signs posted so I knew where not to venture, because I've gone too far. Not only did I get myself hurt again, but I'm in a place to hurt someone else. I'm tired. I semi-look forward to things but nothing would super-suck if it didn't happen. I enjoy some things, but not a ton. I don't really look forward to waking up in the mornings. I'm just burned out.
Life being mundane and routine isn't terribly appealing, but spontaneity is getting excessive and exhausting as well. BOO!


Future: 
"They say tomorrow is a mystery, but... can I have a map? Please?"
I thought I knew what I wanted, but I clearly don't. I have no idea! Do I want to stay here or go home for the summer? Do I want to live off campus? What are the pros/cons? Is it possible? Do I want to do psychology? What part of psychology? Counseling? Research? What are my other options? What's my calling? Am I ever going to be in a successful relationship? Will I get married and have kids? Do I want to stay home and be with my kids? Would they turn out alright? Would I be a good mom? Or wife? Do I want a family at all? Would I rather live on my own? Maybe I could give up everything and go live in Africa. Could I do it? Should I do it? Is it really possible to make a difference by just living the good life in America?

It's hard to have all these questions and more, but the worst part... is not really caring. I'm so tired of today and not being able to see where I'm going tomorrow that I don't even set goals or care to. I don't know.

---
I'm just tired.
I know my attitude needs to change into one of excitement for God's great plans He promises to have in store for me... I guess I'd just like some signs that I'm in the right direction in at least one aspect of my life. Need hope. Personal hope, not the generic "God's gonna do it, no worries." I know it's there, but a direction would be nice.



I took on the task of living on my own... and I'm screwing it up. I desperately need to give it up.

New Found Potential

It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I should be asleep. I'm not. Why?

Becky.

We just had a very intense, in-depth, crazy heart-to-heart for three hours. Absolutely insane stuff. I'm so astonished at the magnitude of this conversation that I -- well, I'd say I have no words, but then I wouldn't be writing this. But I'm forcing them from my mind through my fingertips before I forget them.

We recently got into a fight. An unnecessarily big one. You need not know the cause-- it is the effect which is impacting. I hurt her. Granted, she was in the wrong as well, but not nearly to the magnitude as was I. I betrayed her trust which she'd so diligently handed me. We sat down and talked about the situation, how we felt and why. We laid out our boundaries, we apologized for previous crossings, and established new habits. Very productive discussion, which was awesome. She stayed calm, despite her anger and hurt, and understood from where I was coming. I can't figure out a transition into the explanation of intensity, so here it is...

Becky amazes me.

Previously, as much as I truly hate to admit this, I harshly judged her. She acts as if she knows me perfectly and she can read everybody without fail. She acts like she thinks she's perfect. I thought. Granted, it's true in some respects, but the problem is then I thought she was just being arrogant and it amused as well as annoyed me. However, now.... now I realized she's correct so much more than I thought. She was wrong a few times -- probably because she just didn't know me as well then since our friendship was so new -- so I stopped really indulging in her opinions and thoughts. Yes, she speaks in circles and is extraordinarily confident... But goodness, she has more right to be than I ever expected. 

She said a few things tonight which made me really think.

She connected dots; I never knew the dots were even in the same book. 

There is one example extremely prominent in my mind: I beg people to come in, search intently for someone who will stick around and make a bond with me... but when there is actually a chance, I push them away.

what?

No. She's right. She's so right! I had never realized that, but as soon as she said it, I saw stars align. I was so busy looking for that perfect friendship and for someone to care about me, but as soon as they want in, they push for me... I close up. I push them away. I ignore it. 

Here I am, desperate for affection from new "Christian" friends at Access/church, wanting to make new bonds, have people want to hang out with me, want me around... While Becky is sitting at home, wanting  me (when I am around) to stay home for the night and just hang out with her. 

What the hell?

 That doesn't make sense.

You're a jerk.

Yep.

Now, the question may seem to be "well, why do you do it?" Nah. I know that answer as well. It's complicated, just like everything else about me and situations I am in -- it's the reason I'm so often rejected. I make things more difficult than they have to be. 

So, why do I do this?

I'm freakin' scared out of my mind!

I am living in so much fear I'm missing everything about life and hope and faith and love-- everything.

 For relationships, I put everything I had into Peter. I was in love and we were going to get married. We dated for years and I never saw the end coming. It had its quirks and we had sin in our relationship, it was messy, but so is everything else. I kept it simple. I loved him, he loved me. We were happy. Then we broke up and my future didn't mean anything anymore. (somehow this explanation is oversimplified and exaggerated at the same time. go figure.) He left me. 

Resulting mindset: relationships are doomed.

Christina's friendship meant the world to me. Never experienced anything like it. A bond so insanely deep and strong, when she moved a part of me died inside. She was there for 5-6 years, then as soon as she moved away I was alone. No more weekends of joy and strength and love. It was me. We never really even kept in touch. And this resulting mindset is a whole lot more complicated. I never have bonds with girls again. I just don't. Doesn't happen. Girls can have that perfect bond, but it's not enough. Every connection I ever tried to make with a girl since has utterly failed. I've been betrayed and hurt and... it just doesn't work.

Resulting mindset: girls are unreliable.

For the record: I want to let people in. I want to have those closeness and such again, I'm just so terrified of being hurt when it ends-- which sadly, yes, I think of things in term of when rather than if.

Where does this leave me?

Very lonely.

Why?

Good question. The answer leads me to the next astonishing point Becky made. 

When she told me how much I'd hurt her she also added that she won't rely on me or trust me as much anymore. Yuck. My stomach sank. Suddenly, all the trust I'd begun to build in her that she wouldn't leave me like everybody else began to deteriorate in stomach acid. So I decided to be honest. At this point, I knew I was going to push her away. The attempts at a true, good female bond we were working on... it wasn't going anywhere anymore. Our friendship is doomed. 

Yea, I'm aware how stupid this sounds, but hear me out.

But it will still sound crazy. It's me.

Get used to it.

This is my train of thought, generally: If she's not going to forgive me and she's going to hold this hurt against me to the point that she's pulling away so much, it's all on me. I'm incapable of forming that bond because of my cynicism toward other women. If she's not making the effort... what is there? I could try to keep the effort going, but why? She's moving across town in a month. Are we going to hang out a bunch? Will we really still be best friends when we aren't living together, in such close proximity all the time? Are we actually going to go out of our way to have heart-to-hearts and bonding moments? Nope. Of course not. Friendships don't work that way, not with girls. Girls don't stick around. She won't be there in 5 years, so why bother?

Her response?

I could never do it justice. It was so much more profound than I could ever hope to reiterate-- perhaps it was her words or simply because of the desperate timing I needed to hear it.

Life is about learning. It's about loving. You're going to miss the lessons and the adventures if you sit there wondering why all the time. Why are you trying to make friends with people at church? (insert my reply: it's something to do.) Live your life. Learn about these things. Learn who you are and who other people are, how to move on from your past. 

Sigh. 

Yep. 

Moral: Take a chance and let people in.

You know, I was beginning to think that line "treat others how you want to be treated" was complete bull. I am willing to go way out of my way for people and surprise them. I want to do sweet, unexpected things like randomly show up with lunch for them. Or text them "good morning, have a great day" texts and such. I offer to keep them company and help 'em out when they're sick. I want to surprise them with kindness and attention. People don't do any of that crap for me, nor are they really willing. And, while this is not why I do it, I hope for the same in return. I'd love stuff like that! I would like for people to see what I offer, and offer it in return. Support. Kindness. Love.

Well, the problem is I'm basically asking it of people who frankly don't know me. They don't see who I am. They don't get it. They don't love me strongly enough. And, well, I guess that's ok.

I think of this line, in fact: "looking for love in all the wrong places."

Because Becky offers that to me. All the time. Yet the people I spend most of my time with do not. 

In the midst of this I also realized, on my own, I so badly want that affection from the people I choose that I'm blinded to the people who actually love me. Sad face.

Basically, Becky absolutely amazed me tonight. She gave me valid and valuable advice. She knows me way better than I thought or expected. She is wise. I can trust her. I will put forth the effort for her. She's more than worth it. Who knows? Maybe I'll learn how to love and be best friends with a girl again.

So now it is after 4 o'clock in the morning. I have lost another hour of sleep and gained another long, disorganized tantrum to post on the internet for everybody to read about how crazy emotional and ridiculous I am. Oh well. 

I'm me.

And, well... that's alright. (=

Beauty

“Beauty”

Given the right context, this word can lead a person above the clouds. Given the wrong circumstances, it can break a heart. Truly, it’s such an indescribably powerful word, or concept really.

Today I heard a friend telling my roommate what I assume was an insecurity about another woman having a crush on her boyfriend. How did my roommate respond? “It’s ok, you’re prettier.” And her friend? “Oh, I know. I’m not worried about her.”  

Why is that a comfort, to be told you’re more beautiful than competition, thus you will win the heart of a man? Shouldn’t you want to date someone because they love you for who you are, not your appearance? Beauty is so much deeper! Isn’t it?  

However, if that’s what she needed to hear at that moment, so be it.

I’m not bashing the idea of being told you’re beautiful. Not by any means. No, sir. I believe very strongly women need to feel beautiful. It’s part of our soul’s deep desire, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that. * The entire book of the Bible Song of Songs is a man romancing a woman (Christ and the church specifically, but let’s leave it generic for arguments sake) by repeatedly expressing her captivating beauty . God romances us with beauty, including even the beauty of the world brought to life with the rising of the sun. Every day. Being told you’re beautiful is an incredibly powerful thing.

In fact, the idea for this entry was brought on as I was getting ready for bed. I had taken my contacts out, my hair was tossed in a bun, and I was brushing my teeth in front of the mirror. I was a mess. I was looking at my body and my curves, then at the shape of my face (all of which was very, very basic seeing as I’m completely blind without something aiding my vision). But guess what?  

I felt beautiful.

 Despite the mess I was, I was beautiful. I then remembered a male friend making fun of my female friend today. He said her shape was ugly and deformed. She just was odd and he felt sorry for her, more or less. I wondered… did he think that about me? He once told me I was pretty, but did he really mean it? So I asked him, “you don’t think my shape is weird, do you?” He replied, “nah. You’re ok.” Not terribly convincing, and was not at all the response I was hoping for, though that hope was poorly placed as this person rarely cheers me up. 

Suddenly, I was feeling down and that’s when I realized the power of those three words: “You are beautiful.”

I never used to let others see me without make up or in my pajamas or anything. Never. It was a guard I never let down. But now… I often find myself most confident in those moments when I’m just me. I am who God created me. No additions. No boundaries. And guess what?

You can’t take that away from me.

 I love to be told I’m beautiful (not even just about my appearance, but that who I am is beautiful). And I need that occasionally. But not always.  My God thinks I’m beautiful exactly how I am, inside. I don’t need a friend to tell me “it’s okay. You’re prettier.” Nah. I’m beautiful. God says so. And this time… I’m going to believe Him over any other person.

  

So… this turned out to be a somewhat shallow posting. The idea is so much deeper in my head, but for some reason I can’t seem to get it out quite right. Guess this just turned into one of those inevitable ramblings. How unfortunate.

* I take this concept from John and Stasi Eldredge in their books Captivating and Wild at Heart. The idea basically is our souls have deep desires which are the true driving forces for our beings. A man’s is to be the leader of an adventure, to be strong and great for his beautiful woman. A woman’s is to know she’s beautiful and be a part of the great adventure. And notice how perfectly our souls’ desires fit together?

Hated by Love

[Yes, God is a loving Father, but he is also a wrathful Judge. In his wrath he hates sin. Habakkuk prayed to God, "Your eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong." And in some sense, God also hates sinners. You might ask, "What happened to 'God hates the sin and loves the sinner'?" Well, the Bible happened to it. One psalmist said to God, "the arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong." Fourteen times in the first fifty psalms we see similar descriptions of God's hatred toward sinners, his wrath toward liars, and so on.]

These few simple sentences sent my world spinning for days. 

I finally got back on board with God and finally felt His presence in my heart for the first time in a year, give or take. He spoke to me, showed me how deeply He loved me and how He longed for me to come closer. He reminded me how I never walked alone and through that whole year, He never left me. His spirit never parted ways with mine. Now, this man tells me that my God hates me because of who I am, that which I cannot control. I felt my heart break. I felt an ache in my heart so deep my stomach began to twist. Two thoughts came to mind: who are you to say that Love hates me? and  Oh, my God, you do hate me (because truly, the word does say it).

In short, I was in complete turmoil and confusion. On one hand, I thought this stupid man is trying to tell me the God of the universe, the Lord of my heart hates me. How dare he? My God loves me! But, on the other hand, I felt a kernel of truth was being spoken. There are innumerable passages of scripture stating how God hates those who do wrong. Look at the Flood. He wiped out nearly all of creation, thousands upon thousands of people washed away like they were nothing because all they did was sin. I can't believe in a God that hates me, where my only hope is to be hated less, but not truly loved. So. Where does this leave me? I wondered.

I looked to two friends for advice, someone to help make sense of this. One agreed with me it did not make sense, and she even appeared to take as much offense as I had. Though we also agreed this man must have meant something else by what he said. Truly, God does not hate us. If he did, why did Christ come for us? If God hated us, how did he "so love the world that he gave his one and only son" to die so that we may stand simply in His presence? Something is not right. My second dear friend argued similarly, though made several good points that eventually led to this making any bit of sense. All of that to say this...

God does hate me.

He hates you, as well.

For who you are.

For who I am.

How? 

Things began making sense after speaking with my friends, but God drew the point home moments ago while I was separating laundry, which I must confess is still sprawled across my floor as I left it with great excitement for a revelation brought on by my anger toward a particular individual who never ceases to hurt me with his being.  Allow me to share tonight's dialogue for a moment, and I hope you find it half as amusing as I do.

I questioned, "how can you be absolutely in love with someone when you spend time one-on-one, yet cannot stand to be in their presence when others arrive?" 

God replies, Bingo.

When I stand before God, my breath is taken away. I am in awe, so much that one could only ask of the Lord to dwell in His house forever and gaze upon His beauty (Psalm 27:4). It's that reverent fear we should all have as we stand in God's presence (Jeremiah 5:22). I could not sin! I would not  sin! I could never spit out a single of my sinful desires or even begin to think of them as I stood before God! And I mean this in many senses. One, that when I'm in prayer and standing before God in spirit, I'm simply speechless. But I also mean it as the day of judgment standing before God. To truly see him in a very pure, simple, majestic way. I'll focus primarily on the prior, though. As soon as that spiritual trip is done, I'm back here in the world, sinning my pants off. Spitting in God's face. 

One-on-one, simple and pure, God is completely in love with us. He desires us to be near and longs for us to stand before Him, to romance us. Every bit of life is God's romance for us! He wakes us each day, "arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me!" (Song of Songs 2:13) We can stand before Him, he says, we "have stolen [his] heart with one glance of [our] eyes (4:9)" and "how much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! (4:10)" he says to us! God is in love with us and desires us to love Him in return.

 He loves my soul.

However, I am still a sinner. When I am away from His love, I act in opposition. Just as my friend holds my heart when we stand together -- just us-- yet angers and hurts me to no end when others come around, so God's heart is broken when I come back to the world and become who I am with distractions, wanting to impress, wanting to be in control, wanting, wanting, wanting everything else but Him! But, alas, it is my nature. The unfortunate and humble truth. I become what He hates. . 

He hates my nature.

So I have found peace in this understanding. I cannot change my nature, but I love Jesus and I worship the Lord despite my sin-soaked existence. After all, He loved me so much as to die so that I may stand before Him because He's already released His wrath over me. I don't have to suffer, I'll never have to suffer the just wrath of this great God who hates that which I cannot change about myself. No. He sent His son to suffer that for me. Now, I may come before Him to experience true Love any moment I so choose, which is so tragically rare.

But, this is why I need Jesus.

This is why I love Him.

Worlds Apart

"To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache.
Can I be the one to sacrifice, or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow?
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost and wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain.

What I need and what I believe are worlds apart.”

Wow.

This is my confession, but I find it true for general humanity and thus will write it as so.

We fall on our knees with a heart torn and broken from situations brought on by our own sinful desires.

God, I'm hurting so much, please save me. Please comfort me. I need you!

(Yes. That's my pathetic plea to God when I get lost and find myself with a "sin-soaked heart.")

In those moments, of course we need God. We need His love. His forgiveness. His grace. We have essentially hurt ourselves and in doing so, hurt the heart of God. We're His children and when we hurt, He hurts with us. 

We look to the cross when we find ourselves broken, but when by God's grace we find ourselves whole again...

… then where do we go?

...YouTube?

...Facebook?

...shopping? 

...a friend's house?

We forget what our lives have cost. We forget that God bought us. Every piece. Our hearts, our minds, our souls. Our past, our present, our futures. They all belong to Him. Why do we take them back? Why do we give them to internet sites, to the media, to a store, to another person? We run away from God in those moments after being healed and we forget that the nails are still in his hands. We "wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain." We forget the gravity of what God just did for us! 

"I'm ok now. I can do this alone again, thanks God!" 

Then go on to act in disobedience, in sin that leads us inevitably back to Him with our hearts broken once again! How much better would it be if we let God break our hearts and make it pure rather than put our trust in mortal men who cannot save (Psalm 146:3)? 

I’d like to be the one to sacrifice my desires for things of this world. Truly. But instead I far too often find myself gripping the spear. Alas, Paul spoke the truth: what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Romans 7:15). 

In the beginning...

While this is quite the unjustified comparison, I'd like to continue by pointing out the obvious: God created the world and humanity with a plan. I'm not creating this blog with a plan. Unlike God, my creation is very insignificant and I can't imagine it would matter in the least what my plan would be were I to have one. I'm quite sure I'm typing poetically, though completely unsure as to the reason. Perhaps it's simply my mood.

I spoke with a friend recently who tried to convince me to "blog", and while he probably believes himself successful as he reads this, I'd have to disagree, He simply planted the seed (not to downplay his role, because I'm quite grateful for it). Since then, I've considered "what would I write about if I created a blog?" Surprisingly, though equally unsurprisingly I suppose, I thought of my opinions on a variety of topics as I walked across campus, or sat contemplating on my bed, or reading my Bible, or even reading Facebook posts. Finally, after a week or so, I concluded that perhaps my ideas are worth sharing, whether it's for the benefit of others who are questioning the topics I'll inevitably write about, or simply to make me feel better to consider the possibility that someone is interested. As I tried to think of a title for my blog, I realized I have not read anybody's for many years so I stalked the mind of others via internet. I found myself completely absorbed by posts -- from stories of deep spiritual revelations to ramblings about their day -- for hours and hours. Perhaps, if I'm lucky, someone will find themselves absorbed in my thoughts as I was absorbed in these individuals' viewpoints.

To return to my Master Plan metaphor... I'm not sure exactly what this will be about. Will I post ramblings about the distasteful clothing style of my generation? Will I tell the world how I feel about controversial topics, like homosexuality and life decisions? I suppose it's inevitable that I discuss both, and I'll simply leave my plan as "go with the flow." I'm not too concerned. A question of greater concern is at hand: will I be pouring out my heart to a world that couldn't care less? I don't know. Perhaps. We'll see.




Truly, I have come to a point
where I couldn't care less.
This is my space
to speak.