Distance vs Devotion

I'm laying here in bed, completely enveloped in my thoughts. Such a variety-- it's overwhelming. My stomach is in knots and my head is swirling. I want to cry, and laugh. I am ecstatic, and terrified. I long to run, but also to lay here in total silence, motionless and speechless.Thoughts ranging from longings to regrets; history to future.

The final thought I landed on that left me unable to resist writing any longer is simple:

what is my relationship with God?

Ok, ok. Not simple in the least. In fact, the most complicated and frustrating and beautiful and confusing object of consideration possible.

To give a little background insight to my thoughts... I am well aware, and even preach of the intimacy required to truly know God. There's a conversation involved. Like all relationships, communication is important and is in fact something I value extremely deeply with those I consider friends. With God, this in the form of prayer.

For the sake of clarification, I'll be referring to prayers of request, not those of thanksgiving and such.

However, God is also omniscient. He knows our thoughts before we think them. He knows our hearts. He knows our needs.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?... For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6:26, 32-33

 So this makes me think... why do we have to petition to God that which we desire? He knows the desire of my heart, and if that is what He wills to be in my life, it will be in my life. I don't want to ask for that which isn't a part of His will. I don't want to plead for something He doesn't want. I just want to exist and trust Him to give me that which He finds fitting and that which will be best for me, because I trust that He will give me good things and when something is bad, it will still work to my good because I love Him.

In general, these are my thoughts. Why do I have to pray? Why ask? What's the point? He already has a plan set for the world and for my life. And for the lives of others! I mean, why pray for someone to be healed? If it's their time, it's their time. If they still have things to do here first, then they'll be here to do what God has planned for them to do. If I just follow His commands as much as I can, and trust that Christ bore the wrath I deserved for when I fail... what more do I have to ask of such a God? I accept what I'm given and move forward, trusting and loving this loving God.

I guess I just realize a potential problem with this theory... It makes for a distant god and leaves no room for a devoted relationship. I don't believe my god to be distant and deaf. In fact, scripture repeats over and over how prayer works. First thoughts that come to mind:

Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops. James 5:17-18 

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, Psalm 10:17

And the angel also said, "You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means 'God hears'), for the LORD has heard your cry of distress.  Genesis 16:11

So... those cries don't fall on deaf ears, by any means.

I just don't know where I stand. Based on scripture, prayer is important. I'm just not sure why. I'm very torn between having a god of distance and a god of devotion. I know He loves me-- with all my heart I know He does -- but I also truly believe He has things planned and knows what He's doing so I have no right to ask Him to do my will...


I'm not sure how they mesh.