Solution

I have been a mess for quite some time. I haven't been myself.
I've been pessimistic. I've been anxious. I've been depressed.
I've been weak.
I've been very not ok.

Why?

 I have tried to be somebody I am not, thus resulting in side-effects that, imagine that, aren't me either.

I am an introvert. I was born that way. It's just who I am. I can't make small talk well, nor do I particularly like it. Things must have meaning. A goal. There are set steps. And it's not that I couldn't do these things... If God needed me to, He'd give me the strength, endurance-- no doubts. I could make friends and deal with and love anybody he puts in my path (only with his grace, of course). However, I am who I am. I was born this way and he says he loves me just the way he made me. I'm beautiful and loved.
So why do I keep trying to be somebody else for you? Other people?

If I'm meant to have companionship in this moment, to have a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen, God will send a perfectly timed phone call or surprise run-in on campus. Those are always the best arrangements anyway. I don't need to change who I am or what I do or how I act or speak. I'm just going to be me and let that be enough. It's enough for God and it will be enough for anybody he provides me with in any moment.

I'm tired of trying. It doesn't get me anywhere.
The best friendships are spontaneous. They just happen. God tosses them in the mix to get us through. I want him to be in control of those things. I don't want to pretend to be a person he did not create me to be just to make friends with people he did not design me to be compatible.

Trying to do things on my own only results in very bad neurotic episodes, which unfortunately is the only side of "me" others have met the last few months. It's who I am to them now. I wish I had not stepped outside of trusting God's provision; I've only made things more difficult. But, God is God and controls all of that so it's ok. He knows what he's doing. I cannot screw things up beyond his ability to fix. I just have to stop coming up with my own solution.

I break things.
I fix them with duct tape.
Christ fixed them with nails.
It's a much more sufficient solution.

God will always provide.
I just have to be me.
And trust him.
Amen.