Life As I Know It

Is it sad that I'm only 18 going through the "best years of my life" and I'm already burned out? I think so.

This is going to be a short, over-simplified post, which, if induced, concern for my physical well-being should be dismissed. As for my sanity... the concern is more justified, though should also be minimal.


Distant past:
"Thank you, God, for rescuing me and getting me out of that mess.."
Not sure what else to say here. I screwed up a lot and made a mess of my life, but I came out the other end a new, better, happier person.

Less distant past:
"I never appreciated it until it became past, and now I miss it every day."
I miss my friends. I miss my parents. I miss my sister and the kids. I miss simplicity, which is not a word I would ever have used to describe it before I learned it could get more complicated.

Present:
"Today exhausts me, and when I think about tomorrow... I don't really care."
I don't know where to go, or even where I am. Sometimes I wish there were bright Warning signs posted so I knew where not to venture, because I've gone too far. Not only did I get myself hurt again, but I'm in a place to hurt someone else. I'm tired. I semi-look forward to things but nothing would super-suck if it didn't happen. I enjoy some things, but not a ton. I don't really look forward to waking up in the mornings. I'm just burned out.
Life being mundane and routine isn't terribly appealing, but spontaneity is getting excessive and exhausting as well. BOO!


Future: 
"They say tomorrow is a mystery, but... can I have a map? Please?"
I thought I knew what I wanted, but I clearly don't. I have no idea! Do I want to stay here or go home for the summer? Do I want to live off campus? What are the pros/cons? Is it possible? Do I want to do psychology? What part of psychology? Counseling? Research? What are my other options? What's my calling? Am I ever going to be in a successful relationship? Will I get married and have kids? Do I want to stay home and be with my kids? Would they turn out alright? Would I be a good mom? Or wife? Do I want a family at all? Would I rather live on my own? Maybe I could give up everything and go live in Africa. Could I do it? Should I do it? Is it really possible to make a difference by just living the good life in America?

It's hard to have all these questions and more, but the worst part... is not really caring. I'm so tired of today and not being able to see where I'm going tomorrow that I don't even set goals or care to. I don't know.

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I'm just tired.
I know my attitude needs to change into one of excitement for God's great plans He promises to have in store for me... I guess I'd just like some signs that I'm in the right direction in at least one aspect of my life. Need hope. Personal hope, not the generic "God's gonna do it, no worries." I know it's there, but a direction would be nice.



I took on the task of living on my own... and I'm screwing it up. I desperately need to give it up.