Lent. Day 1.

My personal goal for lent, I have decided, is to read my daily scriptures and devotional then to write in response, to speak to God and let words flow. I figured that to make myself more accountable I should publicly display my thoughts. Or if they become too personal, I will at least post that I did in fact write. So here is day 1.


Trust God, not stuff.

There are so many things I turn away to follow, things into which I put my trust. They are not God, but I treat them as if they were the god of my life.
 I make time for everybody and everything else, but not the maker of the universe, the master of my heart, the tamer of seas, the giver of life.
 I talk to friends and family and all these things, yet so rarely sit down to greet my savior.
 I work for grades and for status; to make people smile and laugh; to make my parents proud; to be worthy of human affection; to assure success in my future career goals; but not to enhance my relationship with the only One who really loves me.


Many people worship money or a variety of other things. While money is nice and I wouldn't mind having more of it, that is less my goal. I seek to validate myself in the approval and affection of man, not through monetary wealth but through emotional wealth. I truly desire to make a positive difference in the world of those around me. However, I seek the glory to be my own. I sometimes forget to do good for the glory of God. Any strength I have to "do the right thing" or to show love to others is by Grace alone. I am selfish and messed up; God perfects the imperfect. In my weakness, He is strong.

I trust other things, things that fade and don't fill my soul. I trust in myself. I need to redirect my eyes to the Lord and not forget that I am nothing without his love. His love is enough.


"Let it all out; get it all out; rip it out; remove it. Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed. We're so scared to find out what this life's all about; so scared we're gonna lose it and knowing all along that's exactly what we need... Today I will trust You with the confidence of a man whose never known defeat and try my best to just forget that that man isn't me... Reach out to me; make my heart brand new. Every beat will be for You." -Let It All Out by Relient K

Believe

Sugarland- Just Might (Make Me Believe)

"If you can look in my eyes and tell me we'll be alright, if you promise never to leave you just might make me believe."

I used to live this song. I used to think about how much better I would feel if someone loved me so much that bills and school and stress didn't matter. As long as they could hug me and say it will all be alright and that they'd always be there with me, no matter what was happening, maybe I would actually believe life would be ok. I was there once. It didn't work out.

So now, when I listen to this song, I realize that the more someone promises to always be there for me, and the more people feel the need to tell me everything will be ok, the less I believe them. To be honest, it makes me very sad and I don't want to fall in love anymore.

It doesn't feel worth it. So I don't really know where this leaves me. Just a thought.

No Greater Love

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will -- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely give us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1: 4-8


He chose that I would be holy, that I would be his blameless and beautiful daughter. Not only did he choose me, but he did it with pleasure! He knew that would say and do the wrong things, that I would sin and mess up my life. And I have. In my relationships, in my friendships, in my daily walks around campus, in the glances of strangers in an elevator-- I have not shown mercy or love or grace. I have defiled the temple God has created in me. I have cursed his name. I have broken the hearts of those he put in my life to guide. I have pursued temporary and unholy feelings. I have failed to see the beauty in every day he has created for me. There is so much good I have forgotten or chosen not to do, so many callings I have pretended not to hear, so many opportunities to save that I have lost.

And yet...

God chose me before the he created anything else to be like him. He decided that he loved me and desired me to be a display of his holiness. He orchestrated this unbelievable plan, giving up the One he loves to be persecuted and beaten, bruised, and killed so that I could be blameless; so that he could love me. He did it with pleasure; he freely extended a hand of extreme grace that I might be redeemed and everything I have messed up be forgotten! That all the times I knew the right thing to do and didn't do it, all the times I allowed my body to be misused, all the times I let my emotions get the best of me-- all the times I sinned, he can forget and say, "you are beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you" (Song of Songs 4:7).

 He lavished his riches upon us. Not just offered or held out a hand, but "bestowed profusely" as per the definition-- with no contempt or expectation, but with pure love and affection. He lavished us in his riches. His riches!The riches greater than heaven and earth! The riches of the King. The riches of God. He poured out these things profusely out of undying love for our souls.

Yes!

And to me, the most amazing part of this entire revelation is the last part of this last verse: with all wisdom and understanding.

He knew all along, since before the earth was formed, that I would fall short, leave him, walk away, spit in his face with my lifestyle. He always knew. With all wisdom and with all understanding of every shortcoming, he lavished me in every richness in the universe, in everything that is his.

He loves me that much.

It was never about being perfect, nor about never straying from his light. It's about returning every time. He knows and he understands that I can never be holy in my ways, he knows that I can never be perfect. But he still thinks I'm beautiful and wants me back so that he can continue to redeem the mistakes and see me as his blameless daughter because he loves me.

I have so much guilt over so many things, and I have struggled for so long about accepting forgiveness for messing up. It has really kept me from experiencing the grace. Truth be told, I still don't think I'm quite there. However, I'm beginning to see that God knew and understood from the beginning of time that I was going to mess up -- he knew just how many times and how often and everything -- but yet it was always his plan to see me as his forgiven, holy and flawless daughter.

How could I turn down a love so great?

Distance vs Devotion

I'm laying here in bed, completely enveloped in my thoughts. Such a variety-- it's overwhelming. My stomach is in knots and my head is swirling. I want to cry, and laugh. I am ecstatic, and terrified. I long to run, but also to lay here in total silence, motionless and speechless.Thoughts ranging from longings to regrets; history to future.

The final thought I landed on that left me unable to resist writing any longer is simple:

what is my relationship with God?

Ok, ok. Not simple in the least. In fact, the most complicated and frustrating and beautiful and confusing object of consideration possible.

To give a little background insight to my thoughts... I am well aware, and even preach of the intimacy required to truly know God. There's a conversation involved. Like all relationships, communication is important and is in fact something I value extremely deeply with those I consider friends. With God, this in the form of prayer.

For the sake of clarification, I'll be referring to prayers of request, not those of thanksgiving and such.

However, God is also omniscient. He knows our thoughts before we think them. He knows our hearts. He knows our needs.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?... For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6:26, 32-33

 So this makes me think... why do we have to petition to God that which we desire? He knows the desire of my heart, and if that is what He wills to be in my life, it will be in my life. I don't want to ask for that which isn't a part of His will. I don't want to plead for something He doesn't want. I just want to exist and trust Him to give me that which He finds fitting and that which will be best for me, because I trust that He will give me good things and when something is bad, it will still work to my good because I love Him.

In general, these are my thoughts. Why do I have to pray? Why ask? What's the point? He already has a plan set for the world and for my life. And for the lives of others! I mean, why pray for someone to be healed? If it's their time, it's their time. If they still have things to do here first, then they'll be here to do what God has planned for them to do. If I just follow His commands as much as I can, and trust that Christ bore the wrath I deserved for when I fail... what more do I have to ask of such a God? I accept what I'm given and move forward, trusting and loving this loving God.

I guess I just realize a potential problem with this theory... It makes for a distant god and leaves no room for a devoted relationship. I don't believe my god to be distant and deaf. In fact, scripture repeats over and over how prayer works. First thoughts that come to mind:

Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops. James 5:17-18 

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, Psalm 10:17

And the angel also said, "You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means 'God hears'), for the LORD has heard your cry of distress.  Genesis 16:11

So... those cries don't fall on deaf ears, by any means.

I just don't know where I stand. Based on scripture, prayer is important. I'm just not sure why. I'm very torn between having a god of distance and a god of devotion. I know He loves me-- with all my heart I know He does -- but I also truly believe He has things planned and knows what He's doing so I have no right to ask Him to do my will...


I'm not sure how they mesh.

God is Good... All the Time.

Okay, well this is just going to be a quick blurb because I have to finish getting ready for class, but I felt like writing about my experience.

I decided last night that I need to go grocery shopping after class today. I looked at my list as I added some stuff to it and estimated groceries would probably cost around $40. I sighed and decided it's okay because, God willing, I'll be working soon.

This morning, I felt a smile and perhaps a little wink from God.

I checked my email and there was a message from Bank of America. Oh boy. Then I looked and it was titled "Direct Deposit Credited to You Account."

What?

I wasn't expecting any money.

UNF randomly deposited $40 into my account last night.

:)
God is good.



 (Unnecessary part of the story, to me, is that I investigated why I received the money and it said "educational overpayment", which I assume means they paid out more than they needed to last semester and this is the rest of my refund.)

Challenge or Blessing?

I spoke in a previous entry about how every day has its quirks, but at the end of the day the good usually outweighs the bad.
Well, this past week has been one for the books. The quirks were actually a few little things while the bulk was just... unkind. And just when I thought it was getting a little better, life slapped me in the face.

Last year, Dad had his (second) open heart surgery. Didn't work for the better part of a year. He had to cash in his life insurance and Mom had to work summer school just to pay the bills. However, in the eyesight of a twisted system, we somehow miraculously had a substantially higher income and the school decided I am no longer in need of assistance and put me at the bottom of the list for grants and scholarships. They have cut my funding/financial aid next year by over $6,500, which I'll have to somehow come up with just to attend UNF next year. Mind you, this does not include the price of gas, food, parking permit, or any other random surprises life likes to throw my way.



Yep.


I will be working a lot this summer, or trying to, as well as looking for a job for next year while I write my honors thesis, conduct experiments, and continue to attempt being a straight-A student. T'will be fun.
And a challenge for sure.

Needless to say, this has brought me down the past few days. No, I don't doubt God will provide if my being here is His will. He's a faithful god. It has just left me feeling a little empty and with a serious lack of energy or care. Nothing seems to have much meaning, at least not enough to provoke any strong emotion, which may be a good thing for an overly emotional person. Regardless.

This morning I went to church, though. Not expecting much, but I did open my heart the best I knew how, praying for God to touch me and do something, anything at all. I just needed to feel Him today.

Once again, He is a faithful god.

Before I left, Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns came on Pandora:
The voice of Truth says, "do not be afraid" 
and the voice of Truth says, "this is for My Glory."
Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of  Truth


Then at church, we sang Our God is Greater by Chris Tomlin
Into the darkness You shine
out of the ashes we rise.
There's no one like You, none like You.
Our God is greater, Our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, Awesome in power...
And if our god is for us, than who could ever stop us?
And if our god is with us, than what could stand against?


Then we sang Believe by Hillsong:
You are my light, You are my strength
You are my rock, on You I stand...
In Christ forever I stand.
I will believe You are strong enough
In my weakness, God be lifted up.
And I will sing, lift Your praises high
Lord be magnified, You make all things new
I will believe.


If I didn't know His voice before, I'd know it now.
He is so much bigger than this. He turned water into wine? He created the heavens and the earth, and everything on it? He flooded the world and destroyed every living thing save Noah's group? He sent His son to be crucified and save our souls from eternal condemnation and allow us the opportunity to have a relationship with Him?

Psh. $6,500 is nothing. 


The best I can summarize what I consider the next part of God's conversation with me is... I've been praying for a while now. I want to be closer and I want to have a stronger relationship. My heart does long for His touch, I just can't make myself get to a place where I'm so open and dependent. And, well, this takes me to a place where I have no other option but to depend on Him and trust He is faithful. It also will give me the opportunity to see Him conduct a little miracle in my life. I'll be watching Him with my eyes fixed to see what is going on, where I need to go for this provision. I'll be paying more attention, perhaps catch more of His humor, know more than wisdom but the personality of the Lord. Hmm.

The next couple years will be a challenge, to be sure. But after today... I'm not exactly dreading it. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to draw closer and learn. To see the little miracles God will do for me.

I suppose in this challenge is my biggest blessing.

Genesis: Part 1

I've decided to begin a new endeavor. I realized a very strong, deep desire to know and understand the old testament stories. Therefore, I have set my goal to read and deeply study a few chapters each evening until I complete the old testament, and most likely continue into the new testament as well. Why not?

Tonight I began with Genesis chapters 1-3. Here are some thoughts:

In chapter one, I realized I basically am surprised every time I read creation. I always forget what God created on which days. Sadness. It's fascinating, though.

Chapter two involved a few more thoughts.

• "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Gen 2:18) Then God brought all the animals to Adam to be named, but God and Adam (seemingly) together concluded that "for Adam, no suitable helper was found" (Gen 2:20) so he created woman.... We as one sex/gender are not meant to be alone. We aren't enough. God knew from the beginning that there were to be differences between man and woman, and we cannot do it alone. Our personhood/gender roles were going to be different, both important, to support one another. Therefore, we cannot condemn the other gender/sex for their personality differences. Woman is compliment man; Man is to compliment woman. Yes, womens brains are physiologically designed to function differently. That wasn't an accident. We are naturally more emotional and our natural hormonal balance reflects that, as well as our brain development and functionality. This science clearly coincides with the way God created a woman to help a man. This also adds to the idea of heterosexual relationships. Man and woman play different roles. To keep this slightly less controversial, I would like to point out that even in homosexual relationships, each partner takes on the opposite gender role. There is a manly partner and a womanly partner-- gender differences despite sex similarities (this was a slightly less developed thought).
• Going off the same scripture (Gen 2:20), God brought all livestock to Adam to be named, THEN because they alone were not enough, God created a suitable companion. I know for my dad and many other people in the world including myself at times like to believe we would be much happier alone, out in the wilderness, without social complications and frustrations. We are annoyed with people and don't want to deal with them. I know for my father and I both, at least, we like to say/believe that without the distractions of social chaos and annoyances we would be much more able to focus on God and that relationship. We feel more in tuned. I think that is very, very true and that's because God designed us in the Garden, to be a part of nature and its beauty. However, that alone is not enough. That's why God created companionship. We need to spend our lives with someone else, in whatever form. Both are equally important-- being in tune with nature as well as with people. 
• Finally, I'd like to point out the language used by Adam to express the name of woman. At this point, when he first sees her, he adores her and recognizes that she is part of him. "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." He isn't resentful that she exists because a part of him was removed. He doesn't acknowledge her as a second entity entirely. He says she is part of his bones and flesh. He knows that connection and when I imagine these words spoken, I can't hear anything but a totally engulfing adoration and love for her. He acknowledges that they are one, which the chapter next points out that this adoration leads to man leaving his father and mother to be united as one with his wife. It's amazing how complicated we make things. God made it so simple. We love, we marry. Hmm. This is weird, but it makes me smile to imagine that intense love Adam must have had in his being when he first saw Eve.

Chapter 3 includes the original sin and the curses set upon us because of it. Unfortunately, I'll finish this post later when I can refocus. (Just in case anybody reads this before I get back to it)