There is so much wickedness in the world. All around the world our Christian brothers and sisters are being prosecuted and murdered for their faith. There is so much rape, murder, war, hatred, vengeance, anger, slander, gossip, lies... So much evil in so many forms. It's so disheartening sometimes.
Sometimes it is hard to love people when you see them engage in these ungodly acts over,
and over,
and over,
and over again.
I have tried to trust people and been terribly betrayed. I have seen people hurt other people in absolutely insane ways. I have met people who genuinely act to hurt someone. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt, so to speak.
I honestly have thought many times, nobody can be that mean; nobody could actually want to hurt another person like that. If I just explain to them why they are hurting me, they'll at least try to stop acting that way. It's all a miscommunication, a misunderstanding.
Then they prove me wrong. I tell them it really hurts when they _____. And guess what? They do it more! People have surprised me (negatively) in so many ways.
Despite the ugly insanity of the heart of so many people, I do still love them. My love has not grown cold, though innumerable opportunities to do so have I faced. Sometimes I wander from it and my anger toward humanity is strong, I'll admit. Fortunately, at the end of the day, I still have faith and I still have hope that God is all powerful and in control. He will work all things for the good. In those times, greatness can be born. Either way, we are all sinners; we are all lost; we all need forgiveness and love and mercy and kindness. Who am I to withhold any of those things when I myself need them every moment of my life?
I just pray I stay this way, and grow in that path even further than I stand today.
I pray to stand firm to the end.
"Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved." -Matthew 24:12-13
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Trust Issues
The Hebrews were awful about trusting God. He sent plagues and parted seas and freed them from slavery, yet they built calves and idols to worship and lead them. Today we do not look to golden calves for salvation. No, we find other outlets. Alcohol, shopping, television, long work weeks, overly school focused (at least, that's mine).
God has earned my trust through the great things he has done for me. Even without considering the cross (although without a doubt that's the greatest grace ever to be received), I can just look at my life and see from what I've been saved.
My father was an alcoholic and drug addict. My mother was a jealous and accusatory person. My sister developed an insanely emotional complex. The first memory I have of my life is my father trying to murder my mother in an alcoholic rage, then my mother packing our bags to leave him. He came back the next morning while my grandmother was on her way to pick us up. He was clean, and has never touched an alcoholic beverage or drug since that night. God stepped in and revealed himself just in time to save my father and give me an amazing life. I grew up with a supportive, stable family that loved me beyond words. I can't imagine having a better life, all things considered. My dad turned into the most influential, encouraging, Godly, and spiritually directive person in my life. Yes, there are rough patches and things that have hurt me and led me to develop weirdities. That's everyone though.
The point is... God has earned my trust throughout my life, revealing himself in insane ways. He has told me that he has wonderful and beautiful plans for me. That I truly have a purpose, though I haven't a clue what it is. I don't know how to get there, yet for some reason I forget to look to the one who has made those plans for me. I matter somehow, and only He can tell me how; only He can give me purpose and meaning.
My grades aren't everything. A job isn't everything. Getting married isn't everything. Nothing can give me meaning but Christ alone.
I am missing the journey.
God has earned my trust through the great things he has done for me. Even without considering the cross (although without a doubt that's the greatest grace ever to be received), I can just look at my life and see from what I've been saved.
My father was an alcoholic and drug addict. My mother was a jealous and accusatory person. My sister developed an insanely emotional complex. The first memory I have of my life is my father trying to murder my mother in an alcoholic rage, then my mother packing our bags to leave him. He came back the next morning while my grandmother was on her way to pick us up. He was clean, and has never touched an alcoholic beverage or drug since that night. God stepped in and revealed himself just in time to save my father and give me an amazing life. I grew up with a supportive, stable family that loved me beyond words. I can't imagine having a better life, all things considered. My dad turned into the most influential, encouraging, Godly, and spiritually directive person in my life. Yes, there are rough patches and things that have hurt me and led me to develop weirdities. That's everyone though.
The point is... God has earned my trust throughout my life, revealing himself in insane ways. He has told me that he has wonderful and beautiful plans for me. That I truly have a purpose, though I haven't a clue what it is. I don't know how to get there, yet for some reason I forget to look to the one who has made those plans for me. I matter somehow, and only He can tell me how; only He can give me purpose and meaning.
My grades aren't everything. A job isn't everything. Getting married isn't everything. Nothing can give me meaning but Christ alone.
I am missing the journey.
Friday, February 24, 2012
But Lord, what can I do?
There is so much power in the name of Jesus. So much that the cripple may walk and the blind see. That in one moment, in one sentence said in the name of Christ, the fabrics of reality as we see are torn and the impossible becomes possible.
We have been given so much strength and power because of his sacrifice. With Christ in us, we can do anything! We can be a part of making a miracle happen! I can be a part of the story.
So why am I not?
I don't know how. If I could hurt with the hurting, if I could heal them, if I could only feed those who need it or reach out a hand to lift a lame man from the ground... I guess I can in Christ's name. It sounds beautiful. But really... how?
The world is crazy. Seriously. You don't know who is really broken and poor on the street. Who is really hurting? Who is taking advantage of kindness? How can you tell? Maybe it doesn't matter. But I want to love them. I want to offer them something.
God, I can! I am able to. I don't need money or resources or connections. The apostles saw a man and said, "Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk."
They didn't have anything more to give but Christ himself and his power.
And it was enough! It was more than enough!
So why am I still scared? Why do I still feel like I have nothing to offer when the power of the universe lives in my heart?
What am I going to do about it?
Lord, give me strength.
We have been given so much strength and power because of his sacrifice. With Christ in us, we can do anything! We can be a part of making a miracle happen! I can be a part of the story.
So why am I not?
I don't know how. If I could hurt with the hurting, if I could heal them, if I could only feed those who need it or reach out a hand to lift a lame man from the ground... I guess I can in Christ's name. It sounds beautiful. But really... how?
The world is crazy. Seriously. You don't know who is really broken and poor on the street. Who is really hurting? Who is taking advantage of kindness? How can you tell? Maybe it doesn't matter. But I want to love them. I want to offer them something.
God, I can! I am able to. I don't need money or resources or connections. The apostles saw a man and said, "Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk."
They didn't have anything more to give but Christ himself and his power.
And it was enough! It was more than enough!
So why am I still scared? Why do I still feel like I have nothing to offer when the power of the universe lives in my heart?
What am I going to do about it?
Lord, give me strength.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Lent. Day 1.
My personal goal for lent, I have decided, is to read my daily scriptures and devotional then to write in response, to speak to God and let words flow. I figured that to make myself more accountable I should publicly display my thoughts. Or if they become too personal, I will at least post that I did in fact write. So here is day 1.
Trust God, not stuff.
There are so many things I turn away to follow, things into which I put my trust. They are not God, but I treat them as if they were the god of my life.
I make time for everybody and everything else, but not the maker of the universe, the master of my heart, the tamer of seas, the giver of life.
I talk to friends and family and all these things, yet so rarely sit down to greet my savior.
I work for grades and for status; to make people smile and laugh; to make my parents proud; to be worthy of human affection; to assure success in my future career goals; but not to enhance my relationship with the only One who really loves me.
Many people worship money or a variety of other things. While money is nice and I wouldn't mind having more of it, that is less my goal. I seek to validate myself in the approval and affection of man, not through monetary wealth but through emotional wealth. I truly desire to make a positive difference in the world of those around me. However, I seek the glory to be my own. I sometimes forget to do good for the glory of God. Any strength I have to "do the right thing" or to show love to others is by Grace alone. I am selfish and messed up; God perfects the imperfect. In my weakness, He is strong.
I trust other things, things that fade and don't fill my soul. I trust in myself. I need to redirect my eyes to the Lord and not forget that I am nothing without his love. His love is enough.
"Let it all out; get it all out; rip it out; remove it. Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed. We're so scared to find out what this life's all about; so scared we're gonna lose it and knowing all along that's exactly what we need... Today I will trust You with the confidence of a man whose never known defeat and try my best to just forget that that man isn't me... Reach out to me; make my heart brand new. Every beat will be for You." -Let It All Out by Relient K
Trust God, not stuff.
There are so many things I turn away to follow, things into which I put my trust. They are not God, but I treat them as if they were the god of my life.
I make time for everybody and everything else, but not the maker of the universe, the master of my heart, the tamer of seas, the giver of life.
I talk to friends and family and all these things, yet so rarely sit down to greet my savior.
I work for grades and for status; to make people smile and laugh; to make my parents proud; to be worthy of human affection; to assure success in my future career goals; but not to enhance my relationship with the only One who really loves me.
Many people worship money or a variety of other things. While money is nice and I wouldn't mind having more of it, that is less my goal. I seek to validate myself in the approval and affection of man, not through monetary wealth but through emotional wealth. I truly desire to make a positive difference in the world of those around me. However, I seek the glory to be my own. I sometimes forget to do good for the glory of God. Any strength I have to "do the right thing" or to show love to others is by Grace alone. I am selfish and messed up; God perfects the imperfect. In my weakness, He is strong.
I trust other things, things that fade and don't fill my soul. I trust in myself. I need to redirect my eyes to the Lord and not forget that I am nothing without his love. His love is enough.
"Let it all out; get it all out; rip it out; remove it. Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed. We're so scared to find out what this life's all about; so scared we're gonna lose it and knowing all along that's exactly what we need... Today I will trust You with the confidence of a man whose never known defeat and try my best to just forget that that man isn't me... Reach out to me; make my heart brand new. Every beat will be for You." -Let It All Out by Relient K
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Believe
Sugarland- Just Might (Make Me Believe)
"If you can look in my eyes and tell me we'll be alright, if you promise never to leave you just might make me believe."
I used to live this song. I used to think about how much better I would feel if someone loved me so much that bills and school and stress didn't matter. As long as they could hug me and say it will all be alright and that they'd always be there with me, no matter what was happening, maybe I would actually believe life would be ok. I was there once. It didn't work out.
So now, when I listen to this song, I realize that the more someone promises to always be there for me, and the more people feel the need to tell me everything will be ok, the less I believe them. To be honest, it makes me very sad and I don't want to fall in love anymore.
It doesn't feel worth it. So I don't really know where this leaves me. Just a thought.
"If you can look in my eyes and tell me we'll be alright, if you promise never to leave you just might make me believe."
I used to live this song. I used to think about how much better I would feel if someone loved me so much that bills and school and stress didn't matter. As long as they could hug me and say it will all be alright and that they'd always be there with me, no matter what was happening, maybe I would actually believe life would be ok. I was there once. It didn't work out.
So now, when I listen to this song, I realize that the more someone promises to always be there for me, and the more people feel the need to tell me everything will be ok, the less I believe them. To be honest, it makes me very sad and I don't want to fall in love anymore.
It doesn't feel worth it. So I don't really know where this leaves me. Just a thought.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
No Greater Love
"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will -- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely give us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1: 4-8
He chose that I would be holy, that I would be his blameless and beautiful daughter. Not only did he choose me, but he did it with pleasure! He knew that would say and do the wrong things, that I would sin and mess up my life. And I have. In my relationships, in my friendships, in my daily walks around campus, in the glances of strangers in an elevator-- I have not shown mercy or love or grace. I have defiled the temple God has created in me. I have cursed his name. I have broken the hearts of those he put in my life to guide. I have pursued temporary and unholy feelings. I have failed to see the beauty in every day he has created for me. There is so much good I have forgotten or chosen not to do, so many callings I have pretended not to hear, so many opportunities to save that I have lost.
And yet...
God chose me before the he created anything else to be like him. He decided that he loved me and desired me to be a display of his holiness. He orchestrated this unbelievable plan, giving up the One he loves to be persecuted and beaten, bruised, and killed so that I could be blameless; so that he could love me. He did it with pleasure; he freely extended a hand of extreme grace that I might be redeemed and everything I have messed up be forgotten! That all the times I knew the right thing to do and didn't do it, all the times I allowed my body to be misused, all the times I let my emotions get the best of me-- all the times I sinned, he can forget and say, "you are beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you" (Song of Songs 4:7).
He lavished his riches upon us. Not just offered or held out a hand, but "bestowed profusely" as per the definition-- with no contempt or expectation, but with pure love and affection. He lavished us in his riches. His riches!The riches greater than heaven and earth! The riches of the King. The riches of God. He poured out these things profusely out of undying love for our souls.
Yes!
And to me, the most amazing part of this entire revelation is the last part of this last verse: with all wisdom and understanding.
He knew all along, since before the earth was formed, that I would fall short, leave him, walk away, spit in his face with my lifestyle. He always knew. With all wisdom and with all understanding of every shortcoming, he lavished me in every richness in the universe, in everything that is his.
It was never about being perfect, nor about never straying from his light. It's about returning every time. He knows and he understands that I can never be holy in my ways, he knows that I can never be perfect. But he still thinks I'm beautiful and wants me back so that he can continue to redeem the mistakes and see me as his blameless daughter because he loves me.
I have so much guilt over so many things, and I have struggled for so long about accepting forgiveness for messing up. It has really kept me from experiencing the grace. Truth be told, I still don't think I'm quite there. However, I'm beginning to see that God knew and understood from the beginning of time that I was going to mess up -- he knew just how many times and how often and everything -- but yet it was always his plan to see me as his forgiven, holy and flawless daughter.
How could I turn down a love so great?
He chose that I would be holy, that I would be his blameless and beautiful daughter. Not only did he choose me, but he did it with pleasure! He knew that would say and do the wrong things, that I would sin and mess up my life. And I have. In my relationships, in my friendships, in my daily walks around campus, in the glances of strangers in an elevator-- I have not shown mercy or love or grace. I have defiled the temple God has created in me. I have cursed his name. I have broken the hearts of those he put in my life to guide. I have pursued temporary and unholy feelings. I have failed to see the beauty in every day he has created for me. There is so much good I have forgotten or chosen not to do, so many callings I have pretended not to hear, so many opportunities to save that I have lost.
And yet...
God chose me before the he created anything else to be like him. He decided that he loved me and desired me to be a display of his holiness. He orchestrated this unbelievable plan, giving up the One he loves to be persecuted and beaten, bruised, and killed so that I could be blameless; so that he could love me. He did it with pleasure; he freely extended a hand of extreme grace that I might be redeemed and everything I have messed up be forgotten! That all the times I knew the right thing to do and didn't do it, all the times I allowed my body to be misused, all the times I let my emotions get the best of me-- all the times I sinned, he can forget and say, "you are beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you" (Song of Songs 4:7).
He lavished his riches upon us. Not just offered or held out a hand, but "bestowed profusely" as per the definition-- with no contempt or expectation, but with pure love and affection. He lavished us in his riches. His riches!The riches greater than heaven and earth! The riches of the King. The riches of God. He poured out these things profusely out of undying love for our souls.
Yes!
And to me, the most amazing part of this entire revelation is the last part of this last verse: with all wisdom and understanding.
He knew all along, since before the earth was formed, that I would fall short, leave him, walk away, spit in his face with my lifestyle. He always knew. With all wisdom and with all understanding of every shortcoming, he lavished me in every richness in the universe, in everything that is his.
He loves me that much.
It was never about being perfect, nor about never straying from his light. It's about returning every time. He knows and he understands that I can never be holy in my ways, he knows that I can never be perfect. But he still thinks I'm beautiful and wants me back so that he can continue to redeem the mistakes and see me as his blameless daughter because he loves me.
I have so much guilt over so many things, and I have struggled for so long about accepting forgiveness for messing up. It has really kept me from experiencing the grace. Truth be told, I still don't think I'm quite there. However, I'm beginning to see that God knew and understood from the beginning of time that I was going to mess up -- he knew just how many times and how often and everything -- but yet it was always his plan to see me as his forgiven, holy and flawless daughter.
How could I turn down a love so great?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Distance vs Devotion
I'm laying here in bed, completely enveloped in my thoughts. Such a variety-- it's overwhelming. My stomach is in knots and my head is swirling. I want to cry, and laugh. I am ecstatic, and terrified. I long to run, but also to lay here in total silence, motionless and speechless.Thoughts ranging from longings to regrets; history to future.
The final thought I landed on that left me unable to resist writing any longer is simple:
Ok, ok. Not simple in the least. In fact, the most complicated and frustrating and beautiful and confusing object of consideration possible.
To give a little background insight to my thoughts... I am well aware, and even preach of the intimacy required to truly know God. There's a conversation involved. Like all relationships, communication is important and is in fact something I value extremely deeply with those I consider friends. With God, this in the form of prayer.
For the sake of clarification, I'll be referring to prayers of request, not those of thanksgiving and such.
However, God is also omniscient. He knows our thoughts before we think them. He knows our hearts. He knows our needs.
So this makes me think... why do we have to petition to God that which we desire? He knows the desire of my heart, and if that is what He wills to be in my life, it will be in my life. I don't want to ask for that which isn't a part of His will. I don't want to plead for something He doesn't want. I just want to exist and trust Him to give me that which He finds fitting and that which will be best for me, because I trust that He will give me good things and when something is bad, it will still work to my good because I love Him.
In general, these are my thoughts. Why do I have to pray? Why ask? What's the point? He already has a plan set for the world and for my life. And for the lives of others! I mean, why pray for someone to be healed? If it's their time, it's their time. If they still have things to do here first, then they'll be here to do what God has planned for them to do. If I just follow His commands as much as I can, and trust that Christ bore the wrath I deserved for when I fail... what more do I have to ask of such a God? I accept what I'm given and move forward, trusting and loving this loving God.
I guess I just realize a potential problem with this theory... It makes for a distant god and leaves no room for a devoted relationship. I don't believe my god to be distant and deaf. In fact, scripture repeats over and over how prayer works. First thoughts that come to mind:
So... those cries don't fall on deaf ears, by any means.
I just don't know where I stand. Based on scripture, prayer is important. I'm just not sure why. I'm very torn between having a god of distance and a god of devotion. I know He loves me-- with all my heart I know He does -- but I also truly believe He has things planned and knows what He's doing so I have no right to ask Him to do my will...
I'm not sure how they mesh.
The final thought I landed on that left me unable to resist writing any longer is simple:
what is my relationship with God?
To give a little background insight to my thoughts... I am well aware, and even preach of the intimacy required to truly know God. There's a conversation involved. Like all relationships, communication is important and is in fact something I value extremely deeply with those I consider friends. With God, this in the form of prayer.
For the sake of clarification, I'll be referring to prayers of request, not those of thanksgiving and such.
However, God is also omniscient. He knows our thoughts before we think them. He knows our hearts. He knows our needs.
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?... For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6:26, 32-33
So this makes me think... why do we have to petition to God that which we desire? He knows the desire of my heart, and if that is what He wills to be in my life, it will be in my life. I don't want to ask for that which isn't a part of His will. I don't want to plead for something He doesn't want. I just want to exist and trust Him to give me that which He finds fitting and that which will be best for me, because I trust that He will give me good things and when something is bad, it will still work to my good because I love Him.
In general, these are my thoughts. Why do I have to pray? Why ask? What's the point? He already has a plan set for the world and for my life. And for the lives of others! I mean, why pray for someone to be healed? If it's their time, it's their time. If they still have things to do here first, then they'll be here to do what God has planned for them to do. If I just follow His commands as much as I can, and trust that Christ bore the wrath I deserved for when I fail... what more do I have to ask of such a God? I accept what I'm given and move forward, trusting and loving this loving God.
I guess I just realize a potential problem with this theory... It makes for a distant god and leaves no room for a devoted relationship. I don't believe my god to be distant and deaf. In fact, scripture repeats over and over how prayer works. First thoughts that come to mind:
Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops. James 5:17-18
You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, Psalm 10:17
And the angel also said, "You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means 'God hears'), for the LORD has heard your cry of distress. Genesis 16:11
So... those cries don't fall on deaf ears, by any means.
I just don't know where I stand. Based on scripture, prayer is important. I'm just not sure why. I'm very torn between having a god of distance and a god of devotion. I know He loves me-- with all my heart I know He does -- but I also truly believe He has things planned and knows what He's doing so I have no right to ask Him to do my will...
I'm not sure how they mesh.
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