God is Good... All the Time.

Okay, well this is just going to be a quick blurb because I have to finish getting ready for class, but I felt like writing about my experience.

I decided last night that I need to go grocery shopping after class today. I looked at my list as I added some stuff to it and estimated groceries would probably cost around $40. I sighed and decided it's okay because, God willing, I'll be working soon.

This morning, I felt a smile and perhaps a little wink from God.

I checked my email and there was a message from Bank of America. Oh boy. Then I looked and it was titled "Direct Deposit Credited to You Account."

What?

I wasn't expecting any money.

UNF randomly deposited $40 into my account last night.

:)
God is good.



 (Unnecessary part of the story, to me, is that I investigated why I received the money and it said "educational overpayment", which I assume means they paid out more than they needed to last semester and this is the rest of my refund.)

Challenge or Blessing?

I spoke in a previous entry about how every day has its quirks, but at the end of the day the good usually outweighs the bad.
Well, this past week has been one for the books. The quirks were actually a few little things while the bulk was just... unkind. And just when I thought it was getting a little better, life slapped me in the face.

Last year, Dad had his (second) open heart surgery. Didn't work for the better part of a year. He had to cash in his life insurance and Mom had to work summer school just to pay the bills. However, in the eyesight of a twisted system, we somehow miraculously had a substantially higher income and the school decided I am no longer in need of assistance and put me at the bottom of the list for grants and scholarships. They have cut my funding/financial aid next year by over $6,500, which I'll have to somehow come up with just to attend UNF next year. Mind you, this does not include the price of gas, food, parking permit, or any other random surprises life likes to throw my way.



Yep.


I will be working a lot this summer, or trying to, as well as looking for a job for next year while I write my honors thesis, conduct experiments, and continue to attempt being a straight-A student. T'will be fun.
And a challenge for sure.

Needless to say, this has brought me down the past few days. No, I don't doubt God will provide if my being here is His will. He's a faithful god. It has just left me feeling a little empty and with a serious lack of energy or care. Nothing seems to have much meaning, at least not enough to provoke any strong emotion, which may be a good thing for an overly emotional person. Regardless.

This morning I went to church, though. Not expecting much, but I did open my heart the best I knew how, praying for God to touch me and do something, anything at all. I just needed to feel Him today.

Once again, He is a faithful god.

Before I left, Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns came on Pandora:
The voice of Truth says, "do not be afraid" 
and the voice of Truth says, "this is for My Glory."
Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of  Truth


Then at church, we sang Our God is Greater by Chris Tomlin
Into the darkness You shine
out of the ashes we rise.
There's no one like You, none like You.
Our God is greater, Our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, Awesome in power...
And if our god is for us, than who could ever stop us?
And if our god is with us, than what could stand against?


Then we sang Believe by Hillsong:
You are my light, You are my strength
You are my rock, on You I stand...
In Christ forever I stand.
I will believe You are strong enough
In my weakness, God be lifted up.
And I will sing, lift Your praises high
Lord be magnified, You make all things new
I will believe.


If I didn't know His voice before, I'd know it now.
He is so much bigger than this. He turned water into wine? He created the heavens and the earth, and everything on it? He flooded the world and destroyed every living thing save Noah's group? He sent His son to be crucified and save our souls from eternal condemnation and allow us the opportunity to have a relationship with Him?

Psh. $6,500 is nothing. 


The best I can summarize what I consider the next part of God's conversation with me is... I've been praying for a while now. I want to be closer and I want to have a stronger relationship. My heart does long for His touch, I just can't make myself get to a place where I'm so open and dependent. And, well, this takes me to a place where I have no other option but to depend on Him and trust He is faithful. It also will give me the opportunity to see Him conduct a little miracle in my life. I'll be watching Him with my eyes fixed to see what is going on, where I need to go for this provision. I'll be paying more attention, perhaps catch more of His humor, know more than wisdom but the personality of the Lord. Hmm.

The next couple years will be a challenge, to be sure. But after today... I'm not exactly dreading it. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to draw closer and learn. To see the little miracles God will do for me.

I suppose in this challenge is my biggest blessing.

Genesis: Part 1

I've decided to begin a new endeavor. I realized a very strong, deep desire to know and understand the old testament stories. Therefore, I have set my goal to read and deeply study a few chapters each evening until I complete the old testament, and most likely continue into the new testament as well. Why not?

Tonight I began with Genesis chapters 1-3. Here are some thoughts:

In chapter one, I realized I basically am surprised every time I read creation. I always forget what God created on which days. Sadness. It's fascinating, though.

Chapter two involved a few more thoughts.

• "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Gen 2:18) Then God brought all the animals to Adam to be named, but God and Adam (seemingly) together concluded that "for Adam, no suitable helper was found" (Gen 2:20) so he created woman.... We as one sex/gender are not meant to be alone. We aren't enough. God knew from the beginning that there were to be differences between man and woman, and we cannot do it alone. Our personhood/gender roles were going to be different, both important, to support one another. Therefore, we cannot condemn the other gender/sex for their personality differences. Woman is compliment man; Man is to compliment woman. Yes, womens brains are physiologically designed to function differently. That wasn't an accident. We are naturally more emotional and our natural hormonal balance reflects that, as well as our brain development and functionality. This science clearly coincides with the way God created a woman to help a man. This also adds to the idea of heterosexual relationships. Man and woman play different roles. To keep this slightly less controversial, I would like to point out that even in homosexual relationships, each partner takes on the opposite gender role. There is a manly partner and a womanly partner-- gender differences despite sex similarities (this was a slightly less developed thought).
• Going off the same scripture (Gen 2:20), God brought all livestock to Adam to be named, THEN because they alone were not enough, God created a suitable companion. I know for my dad and many other people in the world including myself at times like to believe we would be much happier alone, out in the wilderness, without social complications and frustrations. We are annoyed with people and don't want to deal with them. I know for my father and I both, at least, we like to say/believe that without the distractions of social chaos and annoyances we would be much more able to focus on God and that relationship. We feel more in tuned. I think that is very, very true and that's because God designed us in the Garden, to be a part of nature and its beauty. However, that alone is not enough. That's why God created companionship. We need to spend our lives with someone else, in whatever form. Both are equally important-- being in tune with nature as well as with people. 
• Finally, I'd like to point out the language used by Adam to express the name of woman. At this point, when he first sees her, he adores her and recognizes that she is part of him. "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." He isn't resentful that she exists because a part of him was removed. He doesn't acknowledge her as a second entity entirely. He says she is part of his bones and flesh. He knows that connection and when I imagine these words spoken, I can't hear anything but a totally engulfing adoration and love for her. He acknowledges that they are one, which the chapter next points out that this adoration leads to man leaving his father and mother to be united as one with his wife. It's amazing how complicated we make things. God made it so simple. We love, we marry. Hmm. This is weird, but it makes me smile to imagine that intense love Adam must have had in his being when he first saw Eve.

Chapter 3 includes the original sin and the curses set upon us because of it. Unfortunately, I'll finish this post later when I can refocus. (Just in case anybody reads this before I get back to it)

How are you?

Generally speaking, before I post a new blog I always go through and read previous postings. So, to post my most recent thoughts I noticed will make me sound quite wishy-washy. But oh well.

When someone asks, "how are you?" or even, "how was your day?" How do you respond? "Good. You(rs)?" Probably. Why are people so quick to claim goodness as their state of being? Often times, they are quite not okay much less "good."
 Perhaps to follow etiquette. That's just the way the conversation works, why question it? most would probably say. Just follow the status quo. Be good! That's what the other person wants to hear.
 Or perhaps deep down, they know that the reason everybody says a simple, one-word, positive answer is because the inquirer doesn't really care for the response. They're simply being polite in asking. Why tell someone how you're really feeling when they don't care to hear more than a one-word reply anyway?
 Or maybe, subconsciously, they realize that, God forbid, life really is good.


The way I see people, including myself, is that we are perfect in our imperfections. Granted, in Corinthians Paul states "when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears". Yes, of course, but not quite what I'm talking about exactly.
 My theory about why I am able to love others is simply that it is in our imperfections, our quirks and mistakes, personality flaws, call it what you will, we are who we are. Perfect. Sounds contradicting, considering the definition of perfection is flawless, without defect. And yes we should always try to be better, but when we look at another person... we should see them not as disastrously flawed. How can you love such? No. We have to look at them with a more positive outlook and love them for every part of who their being-- strengths and weaknesses, charms and quirks. We must use positive illusions in our relationships.


Oops.
I almost forgot my original point.

Days are like people. They have their ups and downs, highs and lows; they have their quirks. But at the end of the day, we are alive, blessed, and loved. Yes. We are "good". For example: today. I did great at my poster presentation. I met some awesome new people.  I impressed my mentor/supervisor. I ate a delicious lunch. Timing on everything was perfect. Then it ended with a fantastic evening with a very dear friend, where we fixed some old mix-ups and cooked/ate dinner together. It was great. However, I was also quite ill all day. I sounded nasal-y every time I spoke. I coughed and sniffled all day, so I had a sore throat and a crap-ton of used tissues. My feet hurt from wearing heels. And I'm completely and utterly exhausted beyond words, yet still cannot sleep due to my sickness-- which the doctor insisted I only needed to take some Tylenol and it would go away, despite that I'm coughing up green gunk (a sign of infection).
Overall... they're minor negativities. I'm sick. Yuck. So what? It was just a quirk of the day. Sickness didn't ruin pleasantry. So... yes. My day was good.

Likewise, life is like days. Afterall, life is simply the sum of days. If each day, or nearly each day, we conclude our blessings outweigh our negative quirks, then doesn't that mean that "we" are good?

I think so.

Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why we automatically respond as we do. If not.. maybe it should be.



Conclusion: You don't have to break etiquette when asked, but when you say "i'm good" or "my day was good", consider two things. Was it really good? But more importantly, consider "why was it good?" Trust me. 90% of the time, the good did outweigh the bad.

Solution

I have been a mess for quite some time. I haven't been myself.
I've been pessimistic. I've been anxious. I've been depressed.
I've been weak.
I've been very not ok.

Why?

 I have tried to be somebody I am not, thus resulting in side-effects that, imagine that, aren't me either.

I am an introvert. I was born that way. It's just who I am. I can't make small talk well, nor do I particularly like it. Things must have meaning. A goal. There are set steps. And it's not that I couldn't do these things... If God needed me to, He'd give me the strength, endurance-- no doubts. I could make friends and deal with and love anybody he puts in my path (only with his grace, of course). However, I am who I am. I was born this way and he says he loves me just the way he made me. I'm beautiful and loved.
So why do I keep trying to be somebody else for you? Other people?

If I'm meant to have companionship in this moment, to have a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen, God will send a perfectly timed phone call or surprise run-in on campus. Those are always the best arrangements anyway. I don't need to change who I am or what I do or how I act or speak. I'm just going to be me and let that be enough. It's enough for God and it will be enough for anybody he provides me with in any moment.

I'm tired of trying. It doesn't get me anywhere.
The best friendships are spontaneous. They just happen. God tosses them in the mix to get us through. I want him to be in control of those things. I don't want to pretend to be a person he did not create me to be just to make friends with people he did not design me to be compatible.

Trying to do things on my own only results in very bad neurotic episodes, which unfortunately is the only side of "me" others have met the last few months. It's who I am to them now. I wish I had not stepped outside of trusting God's provision; I've only made things more difficult. But, God is God and controls all of that so it's ok. He knows what he's doing. I cannot screw things up beyond his ability to fix. I just have to stop coming up with my own solution.

I break things.
I fix them with duct tape.
Christ fixed them with nails.
It's a much more sufficient solution.

God will always provide.
I just have to be me.
And trust him.
Amen.

Life As I Know It

Is it sad that I'm only 18 going through the "best years of my life" and I'm already burned out? I think so.

This is going to be a short, over-simplified post, which, if induced, concern for my physical well-being should be dismissed. As for my sanity... the concern is more justified, though should also be minimal.


Distant past:
"Thank you, God, for rescuing me and getting me out of that mess.."
Not sure what else to say here. I screwed up a lot and made a mess of my life, but I came out the other end a new, better, happier person.

Less distant past:
"I never appreciated it until it became past, and now I miss it every day."
I miss my friends. I miss my parents. I miss my sister and the kids. I miss simplicity, which is not a word I would ever have used to describe it before I learned it could get more complicated.

Present:
"Today exhausts me, and when I think about tomorrow... I don't really care."
I don't know where to go, or even where I am. Sometimes I wish there were bright Warning signs posted so I knew where not to venture, because I've gone too far. Not only did I get myself hurt again, but I'm in a place to hurt someone else. I'm tired. I semi-look forward to things but nothing would super-suck if it didn't happen. I enjoy some things, but not a ton. I don't really look forward to waking up in the mornings. I'm just burned out.
Life being mundane and routine isn't terribly appealing, but spontaneity is getting excessive and exhausting as well. BOO!


Future: 
"They say tomorrow is a mystery, but... can I have a map? Please?"
I thought I knew what I wanted, but I clearly don't. I have no idea! Do I want to stay here or go home for the summer? Do I want to live off campus? What are the pros/cons? Is it possible? Do I want to do psychology? What part of psychology? Counseling? Research? What are my other options? What's my calling? Am I ever going to be in a successful relationship? Will I get married and have kids? Do I want to stay home and be with my kids? Would they turn out alright? Would I be a good mom? Or wife? Do I want a family at all? Would I rather live on my own? Maybe I could give up everything and go live in Africa. Could I do it? Should I do it? Is it really possible to make a difference by just living the good life in America?

It's hard to have all these questions and more, but the worst part... is not really caring. I'm so tired of today and not being able to see where I'm going tomorrow that I don't even set goals or care to. I don't know.

---
I'm just tired.
I know my attitude needs to change into one of excitement for God's great plans He promises to have in store for me... I guess I'd just like some signs that I'm in the right direction in at least one aspect of my life. Need hope. Personal hope, not the generic "God's gonna do it, no worries." I know it's there, but a direction would be nice.



I took on the task of living on my own... and I'm screwing it up. I desperately need to give it up.

New Found Potential

It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I should be asleep. I'm not. Why?

Becky.

We just had a very intense, in-depth, crazy heart-to-heart for three hours. Absolutely insane stuff. I'm so astonished at the magnitude of this conversation that I -- well, I'd say I have no words, but then I wouldn't be writing this. But I'm forcing them from my mind through my fingertips before I forget them.

We recently got into a fight. An unnecessarily big one. You need not know the cause-- it is the effect which is impacting. I hurt her. Granted, she was in the wrong as well, but not nearly to the magnitude as was I. I betrayed her trust which she'd so diligently handed me. We sat down and talked about the situation, how we felt and why. We laid out our boundaries, we apologized for previous crossings, and established new habits. Very productive discussion, which was awesome. She stayed calm, despite her anger and hurt, and understood from where I was coming. I can't figure out a transition into the explanation of intensity, so here it is...

Becky amazes me.

Previously, as much as I truly hate to admit this, I harshly judged her. She acts as if she knows me perfectly and she can read everybody without fail. She acts like she thinks she's perfect. I thought. Granted, it's true in some respects, but the problem is then I thought she was just being arrogant and it amused as well as annoyed me. However, now.... now I realized she's correct so much more than I thought. She was wrong a few times -- probably because she just didn't know me as well then since our friendship was so new -- so I stopped really indulging in her opinions and thoughts. Yes, she speaks in circles and is extraordinarily confident... But goodness, she has more right to be than I ever expected. 

She said a few things tonight which made me really think.

She connected dots; I never knew the dots were even in the same book. 

There is one example extremely prominent in my mind: I beg people to come in, search intently for someone who will stick around and make a bond with me... but when there is actually a chance, I push them away.

what?

No. She's right. She's so right! I had never realized that, but as soon as she said it, I saw stars align. I was so busy looking for that perfect friendship and for someone to care about me, but as soon as they want in, they push for me... I close up. I push them away. I ignore it. 

Here I am, desperate for affection from new "Christian" friends at Access/church, wanting to make new bonds, have people want to hang out with me, want me around... While Becky is sitting at home, wanting  me (when I am around) to stay home for the night and just hang out with her. 

What the hell?

 That doesn't make sense.

You're a jerk.

Yep.

Now, the question may seem to be "well, why do you do it?" Nah. I know that answer as well. It's complicated, just like everything else about me and situations I am in -- it's the reason I'm so often rejected. I make things more difficult than they have to be. 

So, why do I do this?

I'm freakin' scared out of my mind!

I am living in so much fear I'm missing everything about life and hope and faith and love-- everything.

 For relationships, I put everything I had into Peter. I was in love and we were going to get married. We dated for years and I never saw the end coming. It had its quirks and we had sin in our relationship, it was messy, but so is everything else. I kept it simple. I loved him, he loved me. We were happy. Then we broke up and my future didn't mean anything anymore. (somehow this explanation is oversimplified and exaggerated at the same time. go figure.) He left me. 

Resulting mindset: relationships are doomed.

Christina's friendship meant the world to me. Never experienced anything like it. A bond so insanely deep and strong, when she moved a part of me died inside. She was there for 5-6 years, then as soon as she moved away I was alone. No more weekends of joy and strength and love. It was me. We never really even kept in touch. And this resulting mindset is a whole lot more complicated. I never have bonds with girls again. I just don't. Doesn't happen. Girls can have that perfect bond, but it's not enough. Every connection I ever tried to make with a girl since has utterly failed. I've been betrayed and hurt and... it just doesn't work.

Resulting mindset: girls are unreliable.

For the record: I want to let people in. I want to have those closeness and such again, I'm just so terrified of being hurt when it ends-- which sadly, yes, I think of things in term of when rather than if.

Where does this leave me?

Very lonely.

Why?

Good question. The answer leads me to the next astonishing point Becky made. 

When she told me how much I'd hurt her she also added that she won't rely on me or trust me as much anymore. Yuck. My stomach sank. Suddenly, all the trust I'd begun to build in her that she wouldn't leave me like everybody else began to deteriorate in stomach acid. So I decided to be honest. At this point, I knew I was going to push her away. The attempts at a true, good female bond we were working on... it wasn't going anywhere anymore. Our friendship is doomed. 

Yea, I'm aware how stupid this sounds, but hear me out.

But it will still sound crazy. It's me.

Get used to it.

This is my train of thought, generally: If she's not going to forgive me and she's going to hold this hurt against me to the point that she's pulling away so much, it's all on me. I'm incapable of forming that bond because of my cynicism toward other women. If she's not making the effort... what is there? I could try to keep the effort going, but why? She's moving across town in a month. Are we going to hang out a bunch? Will we really still be best friends when we aren't living together, in such close proximity all the time? Are we actually going to go out of our way to have heart-to-hearts and bonding moments? Nope. Of course not. Friendships don't work that way, not with girls. Girls don't stick around. She won't be there in 5 years, so why bother?

Her response?

I could never do it justice. It was so much more profound than I could ever hope to reiterate-- perhaps it was her words or simply because of the desperate timing I needed to hear it.

Life is about learning. It's about loving. You're going to miss the lessons and the adventures if you sit there wondering why all the time. Why are you trying to make friends with people at church? (insert my reply: it's something to do.) Live your life. Learn about these things. Learn who you are and who other people are, how to move on from your past. 

Sigh. 

Yep. 

Moral: Take a chance and let people in.

You know, I was beginning to think that line "treat others how you want to be treated" was complete bull. I am willing to go way out of my way for people and surprise them. I want to do sweet, unexpected things like randomly show up with lunch for them. Or text them "good morning, have a great day" texts and such. I offer to keep them company and help 'em out when they're sick. I want to surprise them with kindness and attention. People don't do any of that crap for me, nor are they really willing. And, while this is not why I do it, I hope for the same in return. I'd love stuff like that! I would like for people to see what I offer, and offer it in return. Support. Kindness. Love.

Well, the problem is I'm basically asking it of people who frankly don't know me. They don't see who I am. They don't get it. They don't love me strongly enough. And, well, I guess that's ok.

I think of this line, in fact: "looking for love in all the wrong places."

Because Becky offers that to me. All the time. Yet the people I spend most of my time with do not. 

In the midst of this I also realized, on my own, I so badly want that affection from the people I choose that I'm blinded to the people who actually love me. Sad face.

Basically, Becky absolutely amazed me tonight. She gave me valid and valuable advice. She knows me way better than I thought or expected. She is wise. I can trust her. I will put forth the effort for her. She's more than worth it. Who knows? Maybe I'll learn how to love and be best friends with a girl again.

So now it is after 4 o'clock in the morning. I have lost another hour of sleep and gained another long, disorganized tantrum to post on the internet for everybody to read about how crazy emotional and ridiculous I am. Oh well. 

I'm me.

And, well... that's alright. (=