Becky.
We just had a very intense, in-depth, crazy heart-to-heart for three hours. Absolutely insane stuff. I'm so astonished at the magnitude of this conversation that I -- well, I'd say I have no words, but then I wouldn't be writing this. But I'm forcing them from my mind through my fingertips before I forget them.
We recently got into a fight. An unnecessarily big one. You need not know the cause-- it is the effect which is impacting. I hurt her. Granted, she was in the wrong as well, but not nearly to the magnitude as was I. I betrayed her trust which she'd so diligently handed me. We sat down and talked about the situation, how we felt and why. We laid out our boundaries, we apologized for previous crossings, and established new habits. Very productive discussion, which was awesome. She stayed calm, despite her anger and hurt, and understood from where I was coming. I can't figure out a transition into the explanation of intensity, so here it is...
Becky amazes me.
Previously, as much as I truly hate to admit this, I harshly judged her. She acts as if she knows me perfectly and she can read everybody without fail. She acts like she thinks she's perfect. I thought. Granted, it's true in some respects, but the problem is then I thought she was just being arrogant and it amused as well as annoyed me. However, now.... now I realized she's correct so much more than I thought. She was wrong a few times -- probably because she just didn't know me as well then since our friendship was so new -- so I stopped really indulging in her opinions and thoughts. Yes, she speaks in circles and is extraordinarily confident... But goodness, she has more right to be than I ever expected.
She said a few things tonight which made me really think.
She connected dots; I never knew the dots were even in the same book.
There is one example extremely prominent in my mind: I beg people to come in, search intently for someone who will stick around and make a bond with me... but when there is actually a chance, I push them away.
what?
No. She's right. She's so right! I had never realized that, but as soon as she said it, I saw stars align. I was so busy looking for that perfect friendship and for someone to care about me, but as soon as they want in, they push for me... I close up. I push them away. I ignore it.
Here I am, desperate for affection from new "Christian" friends at Access/church, wanting to make new bonds, have people want to hang out with me, want me around... While Becky is sitting at home, wanting me (when I am around) to stay home for the night and just hang out with her.
What the hell?
That doesn't make sense.
You're a jerk.
Yep.
Now, the question may seem to be "well, why do you do it?" Nah. I know that answer as well. It's complicated, just like everything else about me and situations I am in -- it's the reason I'm so often rejected. I make things more difficult than they have to be.
So, why do I do this?
I'm freakin' scared out of my mind!
I am living in so much fear I'm missing everything about life and hope and faith and love-- everything.
For relationships, I put everything I had into Peter. I was in love and we were going to get married. We dated for years and I never saw the end coming. It had its quirks and we had sin in our relationship, it was messy, but so is everything else. I kept it simple. I loved him, he loved me. We were happy. Then we broke up and my future didn't mean anything anymore. (somehow this explanation is oversimplified and exaggerated at the same time. go figure.) He left me.
Resulting mindset: relationships are doomed.
Christina's friendship meant the world to me. Never experienced anything like it. A bond so insanely deep and strong, when she moved a part of me died inside. She was there for 5-6 years, then as soon as she moved away I was alone. No more weekends of joy and strength and love. It was me. We never really even kept in touch. And this resulting mindset is a whole lot more complicated. I never have bonds with girls again. I just don't. Doesn't happen. Girls can have that perfect bond, but it's not enough. Every connection I ever tried to make with a girl since has utterly failed. I've been betrayed and hurt and... it just doesn't work.
Resulting mindset: girls are unreliable.
For the record: I want to let people in. I want to have those closeness and such again, I'm just so terrified of being hurt when it ends-- which sadly, yes, I think of things in term of when rather than if.
Where does this leave me?
Very lonely.
Why?
Good question. The answer leads me to the next astonishing point Becky made.
When she told me how much I'd hurt her she also added that she won't rely on me or trust me as much anymore. Yuck. My stomach sank. Suddenly, all the trust I'd begun to build in her that she wouldn't leave me like everybody else began to deteriorate in stomach acid. So I decided to be honest. At this point, I knew I was going to push her away. The attempts at a true, good female bond we were working on... it wasn't going anywhere anymore. Our friendship is doomed.
Yea, I'm aware how stupid this sounds, but hear me out.
But it will still sound crazy. It's me.
Get used to it.
This is my train of thought, generally: If she's not going to forgive me and she's going to hold this hurt against me to the point that she's pulling away so much, it's all on me. I'm incapable of forming that bond because of my cynicism toward other women. If she's not making the effort... what is there? I could try to keep the effort going, but why? She's moving across town in a month. Are we going to hang out a bunch? Will we really still be best friends when we aren't living together, in such close proximity all the time? Are we actually going to go out of our way to have heart-to-hearts and bonding moments? Nope. Of course not. Friendships don't work that way, not with girls. Girls don't stick around. She won't be there in 5 years, so why bother?
Her response?
I could never do it justice. It was so much more profound than I could ever hope to reiterate-- perhaps it was her words or simply because of the desperate timing I needed to hear it.
Life is about learning. It's about loving. You're going to miss the lessons and the adventures if you sit there wondering why all the time. Why are you trying to make friends with people at church? (insert my reply: it's something to do.) Live your life. Learn about these things. Learn who you are and who other people are, how to move on from your past.
Sigh.
Yep.
Moral: Take a chance and let people in.
You know, I was beginning to think that line "treat others how you want to be treated" was complete bull. I am willing to go way out of my way for people and surprise them. I want to do sweet, unexpected things like randomly show up with lunch for them. Or text them "good morning, have a great day" texts and such. I offer to keep them company and help 'em out when they're sick. I want to surprise them with kindness and attention. People don't do any of that crap for me, nor are they really willing. And, while this is not why I do it, I hope for the same in return. I'd love stuff like that! I would like for people to see what I offer, and offer it in return. Support. Kindness. Love.
Well, the problem is I'm basically asking it of people who frankly don't know me. They don't see who I am. They don't get it. They don't love me strongly enough. And, well, I guess that's ok.
I think of this line, in fact: "looking for love in all the wrong places."
Because Becky offers that to me. All the time. Yet the people I spend most of my time with do not.
In the midst of this I also realized, on my own, I so badly want that affection from the people I choose that I'm blinded to the people who actually love me. Sad face.
Basically, Becky absolutely amazed me tonight. She gave me valid and valuable advice. She knows me way better than I thought or expected. She is wise. I can trust her. I will put forth the effort for her. She's more than worth it. Who knows? Maybe I'll learn how to love and be best friends with a girl again.
So now it is after 4 o'clock in the morning. I have lost another hour of sleep and gained another long, disorganized tantrum to post on the internet for everybody to read about how crazy emotional and ridiculous I am. Oh well.
I'm me.
And, well... that's alright. (=
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