Afraid.

I am being faced with death all around me nowadays.

I always considered myself unafraid of death. Well, not always, but for the past several years. It's inevitable; I have faith in my savior; it is what it is. Now, however, I am facing feelings I did not know I had on the subject.

I know I have considered before my fear of getting close to others for fear of losing them. I have never handled loss very well. I always want to love, but I don't want to lose. Unfortunately, that's a part of life. Death is partly loss. Loss is part of life. Death is part of life. It all sounds reasonable on paper. In practice, I'm unsure of my strength.

A friend of mine -- though I was not close to him, I certainly considered him a friend and was happy to have him a part of my life -- recently died. I spent a day or two in various levels of shock and crying. On April 6th, it is the anniversary of a close friend's suicide. Just over a year ago I dealt with a very close friend attempting suicide. This semester, I'm taking a class about death and dying, therefore reading several books left and right looking at the up close and personal aspects of dying people in their final days. I have dealt with a lot of loss and have been faced with it a lot in a short period of time. I have found that the hardest part of about grasping death for me is that when I lose someone, there is always hope I will see them again. I will walk down the street one day, years and years later, and see them. We will catch up; things will work out. When a person dies, it's forever. No chance. No hope. Just death. Just a gap between two people where love and connection once was. Now we are stuck with the emptiness, sometimes regret, but a lot of hurt.

I get so tired of the pain and the hurting, the feelings of loneliness and emptiness. Death leaves an insatiable place that was once filled, now empty. That person will never return, will never reclaim that part of your life and heart. I know this is all very grim and blunt, and controversial in a way (many people would love to say they're always part of your heart, you can never forget them; I find that to be true, but I also always find a hole along side).

Anyway, the point of all this rambling is that I just finished Tuesdays with Morrie. If you have never read the book, I recommend it very highly. By the end, I was considering how to live my life in a way that loves and connects with others with everything. I was wondering how to walk away having learned something through reading that book about breaking free from the world and living a good life. I considered why the death of someone you know causes such pain.

I realized that I am afraid of embracing life and people and love because there is a chance that one day they will be ripped from my grasp, like the other things and people who have been there and no longer are. I don't want anymore holes. I don't want to miss people, especially because I feel like they don't miss me (in the case of death, this argument is rather invalidated). I dread the day more than anything that my parents die. Although, on the same level, if my sister or the children die, I'll be exceptionally devastated.

Another thing I have noticed is that it is so much easier to consider someone dying of old age rather than any other causes. When a person reaches the end of their life, are contented and tired, it's easier to accept than when someone dies in an accident or a suicide or a murder or of disease. It seems so much less fair and heartbreaking. You aren't braced for the impact.

On a somewhat off-topic, side note, I would like to say it's very difficult to read a book knowing that there is no happy ending. The book is about the death of someone; they definitely die. No miracle to save them. It's rather sad, but at least you are prepared. Still, lack of hope is a little saddening. It seems a lot like life, really. You go into it knowing that it will end. It's inevitable. It's all about how you get to that ending, how you read, how you enjoy it because eventually it will certainly end. Hope isn't really necessary.


I'm not sure what to do with all this, but it definitely makes me cry. I'm hoping to feel my way through this in the next few months and become the wiser.

To be more prepared.
To be less afraid.