Love.

I don't even know where to begin.

God has been slowly working this up in me, I believe. The reading tonight had a the story about Princess Alice whose son was deathly ill. He was quarantined and the princess was told to stay away. However, she overheard him ask a nurse why his mother never kissed him anymore. She smothered the child with love and kisses, then died days later.
That mother loved her son.


I read a book this weekend, The Death of Ivan Ilyich. Ivan Ilyich was dying (obviously) and nobody wanted to be around him. He lost control over his body and he became rather bitter about abandonment and the agonizing pain from the illness. However, this boy Gerasim walked into his life for the first time during his illness. The boy saw the man dying, though nobody would admit that he was, and spent a great deal of time with Ivan, holding up his feet to ease the pain, just talking with the man, bringing him food, helping him use the bathroom, and move him from bed to sofa repeatedly. He accepted the man on his death bed, asking not why he did these things, but rather why wouldn't I?
That boy loved that man.


A father was finally dying of disease when he called his youngest daughter to visit him. She decided she would not leave his side until he passed or got better. After a week, he booked her flight home and had arrangements to get her to the airport. He said he was tired and couldn't help but hold on when she was there. The next day while the middle daughter (who could not handle death and was in denial of her father's condition) was still in school, his oldest daughter came home to tend to him. He looked at her and said, "honey, I'm tired. I'm ready to go. Please hold me." She laid in bed with him, holding him. He passed a few minutes later.
That daughter loved her father. That father loved his daughters.


Sometimes, I feel defeated and terribly lonely. In fact, I feel lonely so often. Even with a bunch of friends, having fun, I still get tired. I feel let down. I feel forgotten. I feel unloved.

I do understand that I am loved. I have good friends and I have a wonderful family. I just feel so let down and forgotten and deceived so often. It's not that people don't love me, it's that they aren't good at it. Their love is imperfect, and because I know what love is supposed to be (thanks to Jesus), I have trouble accepting that what other people feel is actually love at all. But I guess they do.

What it comes down to is that how they love me really doesn't matter that much. What matters is that God loves me. He loves me dearly. He would kiss me when I'm ill. He would hold sit by my bedside if I abandoned hope of recovery. He would hold me while I die. He loves me. Perfectly. He is patient and kind and forgiving. He doesn't keep a record of my wrongs. He always loves. I often forget that. Not that He loves me, but that He loves me perfectly. That no matter how crummy I feel when people ditch me or treat me unfairly or throw me under the bus... he wouldn't do that. He wants to pick me up from those heartaches, dust me off, and hold my hand through the next one.

People are so imperfect. But why should it matter to me enough to hold onto anger and resentment? Why should I brood about a friend cancelling plans because they found something better to do? Why does it affect my self-esteem and my feelings of self-worth just because others and myself are both imperfect?
I have the creator of the universe totally in love with me, loving me with a devoted and unfailing love.

Any spec of doubt or moment of faithlessness is because I don't trust his love. I think that's what it comes down to. If I truly believed that God loved me with a perfect and unfailing love, I would never wonder why I'm going through difficult times; I would never think twice about a sudden change of events in my life; I would never doubt my self-worth; I would be excited, not fearful, to face every new day.

My revelation tonight:
Because people are imperfect, we forget God's perfection.


In case Derrick Scott ever reads this... Yes, this is the first time I have felt God speak to me in quite some time. And I love it.