Hated by Love

[Yes, God is a loving Father, but he is also a wrathful Judge. In his wrath he hates sin. Habakkuk prayed to God, "Your eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong." And in some sense, God also hates sinners. You might ask, "What happened to 'God hates the sin and loves the sinner'?" Well, the Bible happened to it. One psalmist said to God, "the arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong." Fourteen times in the first fifty psalms we see similar descriptions of God's hatred toward sinners, his wrath toward liars, and so on.]

These few simple sentences sent my world spinning for days. 

I finally got back on board with God and finally felt His presence in my heart for the first time in a year, give or take. He spoke to me, showed me how deeply He loved me and how He longed for me to come closer. He reminded me how I never walked alone and through that whole year, He never left me. His spirit never parted ways with mine. Now, this man tells me that my God hates me because of who I am, that which I cannot control. I felt my heart break. I felt an ache in my heart so deep my stomach began to twist. Two thoughts came to mind: who are you to say that Love hates me? and  Oh, my God, you do hate me (because truly, the word does say it).

In short, I was in complete turmoil and confusion. On one hand, I thought this stupid man is trying to tell me the God of the universe, the Lord of my heart hates me. How dare he? My God loves me! But, on the other hand, I felt a kernel of truth was being spoken. There are innumerable passages of scripture stating how God hates those who do wrong. Look at the Flood. He wiped out nearly all of creation, thousands upon thousands of people washed away like they were nothing because all they did was sin. I can't believe in a God that hates me, where my only hope is to be hated less, but not truly loved. So. Where does this leave me? I wondered.

I looked to two friends for advice, someone to help make sense of this. One agreed with me it did not make sense, and she even appeared to take as much offense as I had. Though we also agreed this man must have meant something else by what he said. Truly, God does not hate us. If he did, why did Christ come for us? If God hated us, how did he "so love the world that he gave his one and only son" to die so that we may stand simply in His presence? Something is not right. My second dear friend argued similarly, though made several good points that eventually led to this making any bit of sense. All of that to say this...

God does hate me.

He hates you, as well.

For who you are.

For who I am.

How? 

Things began making sense after speaking with my friends, but God drew the point home moments ago while I was separating laundry, which I must confess is still sprawled across my floor as I left it with great excitement for a revelation brought on by my anger toward a particular individual who never ceases to hurt me with his being.  Allow me to share tonight's dialogue for a moment, and I hope you find it half as amusing as I do.

I questioned, "how can you be absolutely in love with someone when you spend time one-on-one, yet cannot stand to be in their presence when others arrive?" 

God replies, Bingo.

When I stand before God, my breath is taken away. I am in awe, so much that one could only ask of the Lord to dwell in His house forever and gaze upon His beauty (Psalm 27:4). It's that reverent fear we should all have as we stand in God's presence (Jeremiah 5:22). I could not sin! I would not  sin! I could never spit out a single of my sinful desires or even begin to think of them as I stood before God! And I mean this in many senses. One, that when I'm in prayer and standing before God in spirit, I'm simply speechless. But I also mean it as the day of judgment standing before God. To truly see him in a very pure, simple, majestic way. I'll focus primarily on the prior, though. As soon as that spiritual trip is done, I'm back here in the world, sinning my pants off. Spitting in God's face. 

One-on-one, simple and pure, God is completely in love with us. He desires us to be near and longs for us to stand before Him, to romance us. Every bit of life is God's romance for us! He wakes us each day, "arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me!" (Song of Songs 2:13) We can stand before Him, he says, we "have stolen [his] heart with one glance of [our] eyes (4:9)" and "how much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! (4:10)" he says to us! God is in love with us and desires us to love Him in return.

 He loves my soul.

However, I am still a sinner. When I am away from His love, I act in opposition. Just as my friend holds my heart when we stand together -- just us-- yet angers and hurts me to no end when others come around, so God's heart is broken when I come back to the world and become who I am with distractions, wanting to impress, wanting to be in control, wanting, wanting, wanting everything else but Him! But, alas, it is my nature. The unfortunate and humble truth. I become what He hates. . 

He hates my nature.

So I have found peace in this understanding. I cannot change my nature, but I love Jesus and I worship the Lord despite my sin-soaked existence. After all, He loved me so much as to die so that I may stand before Him because He's already released His wrath over me. I don't have to suffer, I'll never have to suffer the just wrath of this great God who hates that which I cannot change about myself. No. He sent His son to suffer that for me. Now, I may come before Him to experience true Love any moment I so choose, which is so tragically rare.

But, this is why I need Jesus.

This is why I love Him.